What Exactly Happened To Me?
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
I am no Xiaxue, PxdKitty, Speshi or Qiu Qiu but everytime I put up a new post, at least 50 people will read it and I am grateful for the ones who actually bothers. I have never thought of making it big as a local blogger in Singapore but I love writing and also equates to blogging as well.
What exactly happened to me recently?
If you have bought and read Jolene's Story. you all would know that I grew up a sad child, being sexually abused and looked down upon in the past.
I am just a very normal girl with a big heart and although at times, it is hard for me to maintain the friendships I have with different people, I always tried my best. I am cynical and I cannot trust easily. I lost many friendships in the past 22 years of my life but I have gained a lot of insights in life.
At this point in life, only less than 5 people are updated with the ongoings of my life and that includes James as well. I am contented with these few people as I always find it a burden to let too many people know about my problems.
In my previous blog entry, I opened up about having mild depression. I also, have a lung problem which I all along thought was a heart problem since 2008. I refuse to talk about it because I do not see the point of thinking when am I going to die or scaring myself with all sorts of medical theories.
The hype about my published book, Jolene's Story was over in the middle of 2013. Promoting of the book quickly died down but I gained many social media friends who are all very nice to me.
After that, everything just started going downhill for me. I was saddled with debts that I did not borrow but had to shoulder for someone else. I faced up to it. "Never mind" I consoled myself that things were just going to get better after this episode.
I hopped between a few jobs and despite being judged as job-hopper, I remained optimistic that I would find a good one to settle down in. I did not choose to be a job-hopper. I just did not want to stay in a job that I was unhappy in. I had a choice so I decided that I wanted to be happy.
Most of you know that I had gotten a scholarship and was supposed to start school in May. However, there were not enough students to start the classes as most students had enough credits to skip the bridging course. I didn't but I did not blame the school because it was my results that was a factor. My programme consultant tried looking for other solutions for me and we ended up in the decision that I would be taking up Diploma in Marketing instead of a Diploma in Mass Communications. School is scheduled to start this month and I really hope that everything goes well/as planned.
At the end of June, an old friend I had known since 2009 contacted and asked me if I would like to try out a job that could earn me a lot of money. Money, such a beautiful but manipulative item that controls us. Let's call my friend KK. KK gave me more information and as he would be doing the job too, I felt assured to join him. I gave up a high paying job for this job because I thought that it would gain me more in the long run. I don't regret my decision but eventually, I learnt a huge lesson.
KK and I tried our best for the job and there were many hiccups. We never gave up and tried really very hard. KK and the boss had some disagreements and I was always caught in the middle of it. I was very sick and tired because I really just wanted to do my job well. The bosses were nice to me at first and I appreciated their kindness. I was very upset when everytime I wanted to work hard to earn more money, I was being asked to settle KK's mess that had nothing to do with work. It was personal issues which I really did not want to be involved in. I was supposed to be a salesperson but I was made to follow the boss to settle her personal feuds with her friends and ended up being entwined in her police case and lawsuits and whatnots. I did not mind that as I know I was suppose to follow my superior's orders. However, all these were taking a toll on me mentally and I was slowly falling into a dark hole. The stress of wanting to work hard, earn more and yet losing so much in the process was pushing me over the edge.
Eventually, KK left giving 24 hour notice. Things got even worse for me because I had to follow up on his workload and I was all alone. Yes, me and KK were the only 2 staff in the company. I tried my best to do what I can because I really did want to earn more money. I had been poor all my life and I want to break free from financial distress, there was no wrong with that right? After KK left, the boss kept telling me that KK was unprofessional and left us a shitload of things to clear and he was irresponsible because he did not do a proper handover. The boss said that she was well known in the corporate world and that she want to make KK's life miserable in his new job. She wanted to blacklist him in the corporate world and make sure he pays for causing us to end up saddled with problems. Hearing all those, I was more than afraid. The first few signs of depression started but I never knew. I grew very fearful and I began to feel a complete sense of helplessness as I was all alone now.
I decided to leave the job too. I was very afraid of the boss and also the mental distress was causing me horrible insomnia, improper diet and loss of weight. I did not realize they were signs of depression. I left with giving 24 hour notice as well and one of the boss said that he wished me the best. I thought that I would regain my happiness since things ended well.
I was wrong.
Just like how the boss was furious with KK, she was furious with me. She started sending me a lot of messages telling me that I had breached the contract because I was supposed to serve 1 month notice. Upon signing the appointment letter, I was told that the notice will only apply to confirmed staff. I was still a probation staff at the point of resignation and like KK, I gave 24 hours notice. I did not want to agitate the boss further so I refuse to reply her messages or pick up her calls because I was really really fearful of her. It was the same fear that I had for my stepfather who sexually, physically and mentally tormented me. I did not want to pick a fight with her and make things worse than it already was. I spoke to the other boss instead and told him a lot of heart felt feelings that I had been going through for example, my fear, my depression, my lung problems.. He was the one who wished me all the best and I thought that he will understand. He told me that he will talk to the angry boss and told me not to worry.
Unfortunately for me, she refused to let go. Even the other boss had no more say when I asked him again for help. All he could say to me was that she has the biggest say in the company and there was nothing he could do. I was left even more helpless. At this point of time, I had come into terms with my depression and I know that I have to stop it and move on. I let down all barriers and sent her a message that I was very apologetic if I have offended her in so many ways because she felt that I had disrespected her and had been very unprofessional. I apologized many times, saying sorry over and over again. I just wanted the episode to end. She was relentless, telling me that she wanted to get even with me no matter what. I was at the losing end because I did sign the contract and it did state about the 1 month notice. I decided not to reply her anymore since she did not have any intention to stop mentally torturing me. I opened up to her about my depression as well, not because I wanted her to pity me but I really wanted to address the issue.
I decided to just wait and see how things go.
She called up KK several times but he ignored her calls. Determined, she called up his wife and spoke to KK about me. She told him that she wanted a face-to-face apology from me and then she will let the case rest. Otherwise, she wants to teach me a lesson by demanding me to pay back 1 month of salary-in-lieu. I was dumbfounded for words.
I did not start this blog entry with the intention to defame my ex-employers or to blow up this matter. I just wanted to unbottle everything that I have kept inside so that I can cure my own depression. I do not blame anyone for all that had happened. What can I say, I made the wrong choices... I want to pen down this episode so that in the future when I look back, I will remember what I had went through to make me even stronger and more determined to succeed in life.
I really want this depressed period to be over. Jolene is supposed to be very very strong. Jolene is a warrior who wrote a book to help other wayward youths. Jolene is.......
Throughout this whole episode, I felt so numb that it was so hard to even cry. I wanted to cry because crying will definitely feel better. But, I was immune. It was as if my life was SET and already tuned this way, that things will never be good for me for long. I will always be suffering whether it was physically or mentally.
I just want to be happy. Is that so hard?
Why do people feel the need to make my life miserable all the time? Was I a very evil woman in my past life?
Writing all these out is indeed a reliever although crying would have been a better option but at least, writing always helps.
If you know in any way that you could help me, feel free to email me/tweet me or PM on Facebook.
I hope that you guys could see me posting happier posts and may all these dark days be over really really soon.
Nevertheless, I am still grateful for the few people that have been advising me and stood by me through such a dull period of my life.
I need a rainbow. I need my colorful life back.
What exactly happened to me recently?
If you have bought and read Jolene's Story. you all would know that I grew up a sad child, being sexually abused and looked down upon in the past.
I am just a very normal girl with a big heart and although at times, it is hard for me to maintain the friendships I have with different people, I always tried my best. I am cynical and I cannot trust easily. I lost many friendships in the past 22 years of my life but I have gained a lot of insights in life.
At this point in life, only less than 5 people are updated with the ongoings of my life and that includes James as well. I am contented with these few people as I always find it a burden to let too many people know about my problems.
In my previous blog entry, I opened up about having mild depression. I also, have a lung problem which I all along thought was a heart problem since 2008. I refuse to talk about it because I do not see the point of thinking when am I going to die or scaring myself with all sorts of medical theories.
The hype about my published book, Jolene's Story was over in the middle of 2013. Promoting of the book quickly died down but I gained many social media friends who are all very nice to me.
After that, everything just started going downhill for me. I was saddled with debts that I did not borrow but had to shoulder for someone else. I faced up to it. "Never mind" I consoled myself that things were just going to get better after this episode.
I hopped between a few jobs and despite being judged as job-hopper, I remained optimistic that I would find a good one to settle down in. I did not choose to be a job-hopper. I just did not want to stay in a job that I was unhappy in. I had a choice so I decided that I wanted to be happy.
Most of you know that I had gotten a scholarship and was supposed to start school in May. However, there were not enough students to start the classes as most students had enough credits to skip the bridging course. I didn't but I did not blame the school because it was my results that was a factor. My programme consultant tried looking for other solutions for me and we ended up in the decision that I would be taking up Diploma in Marketing instead of a Diploma in Mass Communications. School is scheduled to start this month and I really hope that everything goes well/as planned.
At the end of June, an old friend I had known since 2009 contacted and asked me if I would like to try out a job that could earn me a lot of money. Money, such a beautiful but manipulative item that controls us. Let's call my friend KK. KK gave me more information and as he would be doing the job too, I felt assured to join him. I gave up a high paying job for this job because I thought that it would gain me more in the long run. I don't regret my decision but eventually, I learnt a huge lesson.
KK and I tried our best for the job and there were many hiccups. We never gave up and tried really very hard. KK and the boss had some disagreements and I was always caught in the middle of it. I was very sick and tired because I really just wanted to do my job well. The bosses were nice to me at first and I appreciated their kindness. I was very upset when everytime I wanted to work hard to earn more money, I was being asked to settle KK's mess that had nothing to do with work. It was personal issues which I really did not want to be involved in. I was supposed to be a salesperson but I was made to follow the boss to settle her personal feuds with her friends and ended up being entwined in her police case and lawsuits and whatnots. I did not mind that as I know I was suppose to follow my superior's orders. However, all these were taking a toll on me mentally and I was slowly falling into a dark hole. The stress of wanting to work hard, earn more and yet losing so much in the process was pushing me over the edge.
Eventually, KK left giving 24 hour notice. Things got even worse for me because I had to follow up on his workload and I was all alone. Yes, me and KK were the only 2 staff in the company. I tried my best to do what I can because I really did want to earn more money. I had been poor all my life and I want to break free from financial distress, there was no wrong with that right? After KK left, the boss kept telling me that KK was unprofessional and left us a shitload of things to clear and he was irresponsible because he did not do a proper handover. The boss said that she was well known in the corporate world and that she want to make KK's life miserable in his new job. She wanted to blacklist him in the corporate world and make sure he pays for causing us to end up saddled with problems. Hearing all those, I was more than afraid. The first few signs of depression started but I never knew. I grew very fearful and I began to feel a complete sense of helplessness as I was all alone now.
I decided to leave the job too. I was very afraid of the boss and also the mental distress was causing me horrible insomnia, improper diet and loss of weight. I did not realize they were signs of depression. I left with giving 24 hour notice as well and one of the boss said that he wished me the best. I thought that I would regain my happiness since things ended well.
I was wrong.
Just like how the boss was furious with KK, she was furious with me. She started sending me a lot of messages telling me that I had breached the contract because I was supposed to serve 1 month notice. Upon signing the appointment letter, I was told that the notice will only apply to confirmed staff. I was still a probation staff at the point of resignation and like KK, I gave 24 hours notice. I did not want to agitate the boss further so I refuse to reply her messages or pick up her calls because I was really really fearful of her. It was the same fear that I had for my stepfather who sexually, physically and mentally tormented me. I did not want to pick a fight with her and make things worse than it already was. I spoke to the other boss instead and told him a lot of heart felt feelings that I had been going through for example, my fear, my depression, my lung problems.. He was the one who wished me all the best and I thought that he will understand. He told me that he will talk to the angry boss and told me not to worry.
Unfortunately for me, she refused to let go. Even the other boss had no more say when I asked him again for help. All he could say to me was that she has the biggest say in the company and there was nothing he could do. I was left even more helpless. At this point of time, I had come into terms with my depression and I know that I have to stop it and move on. I let down all barriers and sent her a message that I was very apologetic if I have offended her in so many ways because she felt that I had disrespected her and had been very unprofessional. I apologized many times, saying sorry over and over again. I just wanted the episode to end. She was relentless, telling me that she wanted to get even with me no matter what. I was at the losing end because I did sign the contract and it did state about the 1 month notice. I decided not to reply her anymore since she did not have any intention to stop mentally torturing me. I opened up to her about my depression as well, not because I wanted her to pity me but I really wanted to address the issue.
I decided to just wait and see how things go.
She called up KK several times but he ignored her calls. Determined, she called up his wife and spoke to KK about me. She told him that she wanted a face-to-face apology from me and then she will let the case rest. Otherwise, she wants to teach me a lesson by demanding me to pay back 1 month of salary-in-lieu. I was dumbfounded for words.
I did not start this blog entry with the intention to defame my ex-employers or to blow up this matter. I just wanted to unbottle everything that I have kept inside so that I can cure my own depression. I do not blame anyone for all that had happened. What can I say, I made the wrong choices... I want to pen down this episode so that in the future when I look back, I will remember what I had went through to make me even stronger and more determined to succeed in life.
I really want this depressed period to be over. Jolene is supposed to be very very strong. Jolene is a warrior who wrote a book to help other wayward youths. Jolene is.......
Throughout this whole episode, I felt so numb that it was so hard to even cry. I wanted to cry because crying will definitely feel better. But, I was immune. It was as if my life was SET and already tuned this way, that things will never be good for me for long. I will always be suffering whether it was physically or mentally.
I just want to be happy. Is that so hard?
Why do people feel the need to make my life miserable all the time? Was I a very evil woman in my past life?
Writing all these out is indeed a reliever although crying would have been a better option but at least, writing always helps.
If you know in any way that you could help me, feel free to email me/tweet me or PM on Facebook.
I hope that you guys could see me posting happier posts and may all these dark days be over really really soon.
Nevertheless, I am still grateful for the few people that have been advising me and stood by me through such a dull period of my life.
I need a rainbow. I need my colorful life back.
Labels: Depression, Emotional
Why I did not charge the monster to court?
Monday, June 24, 2013
I sue you sue I sue you.
The previous blogpost was a controversial one about the haunted houses I went to in the past. Many of you had shared your experiences with me or told me that you had also went to those houses before.... Well, if you have not, share it with me!!
Today's post will also be a controversial one and many strangers out there would definitely have something to say just like what you all had commented on STOMP and EDMW.
Actually....I did see many more rude and downright atrocious comments online but I shall not probe any further because hey, "FREEDOM OF SPEECH!" I know, I know!
I was inspired by Juli from BunBunMakeUpTips to write this post because she was feeling what I had felt and kept inside me for a long long time.
If you had read Jolene's Story, you would know what my stepfather had did to me when I was just 11 years old, a young Primary 5 girl.
If you have not read it, what are you waiting for?
Get a copy at the nearest bookstores! Popular, Times, Kinokuniya or buy as an ebook online!! You are missing out if you had not read my book!
Anyway, many have asked why did I not charge him/sue him to court and why did I not use the law to imprison him in jail.
(1)It happened exactly 12 years ago.
(2)I did not want my step-brothers to live without both parents. (I have mentioned this many many times in radio interview, in newspaper interviews and all various media interviews.)
I am not trying to portray myself as a noble and selfless sister and I don't need anyone telling me that I am stupid.
The main purpose of "Jolene's Story" is stated right here on Marshall Cavendish's Website.
It is not to focus on the abuse that I went through but it is to reach out to abuse victims out there and tell them NOT to blame themselves and actually they should of course step out earlier to prosecute their abusers.
You may say it is not too late for me to do so, to prosecute him and to let him be punished by the law but for me, it is TOO late.
At the moment of time, nobody believed that I was sexually abused except for my late grandfather who was the one who convinced my mother that it was the truth. I had been charged and was put into Singapore Girls' Home. The authorities only spoke to me in year 2008 but I told them not to carry on with the charges towards the monster. Why?
(3) I know some of you truly care but the majority out there are just mere spectators. I am just your pawn in the game. It is the same with the case of Mr.Ng Boon Gay/Pastor Kong Hee. Most of you do not truly care about them. You all are just outsiders who are CURIOUS as to what is going to happen to them and whether or not they win or lose their cases, no effect will be upon you. You will most probably forget about them 2 years down the road until a similar case happens again. It is the same for me. I will appear on the news headlines "Girl, sexually abused at 11. Standing on trial against predator only 12 years later."
Do you think that I am happy that the person who violated me has not been punished by the law? Do you know that I still get nightmares of the incident over and over again but I refuse to let them affect me? Do you know how it feels when up to this moment of time, he is still denying it and spreading rumors that I wrote rubbish in the book? He has ruined my whole childhood and my teenage years, I do not want him to continue to ruin the rest of my life.
If I wanted, I could have just posted his photo here on my blog but I was afraid that my laptop would be infected with a virus.(Just kidding).. but seriously speaking, I can give you the link to his Facebook account, I could tell you his name, his occupation and even tell you where he lives. BUT NO, I refuse to behave like how YOU think I should. I refuse to act on impulse and try to ruin his life just like how he had ruined mine.
Writing the book and getting it published was a way of attaining vigilante justice although in actual fact it did not punish him in any way.
Look at what the general public thinks :
"So pretty and cute, if I am the step father, I also cannot tahan leh."
"This is quite common what... step father or brothers doing such things. lol, no need to write one book meh.. I think teenagers won't wanna read it. maybe old ppl will like."
I really WORRY for people like that. Is looking good a crime? Sorry to say, I looked hideous in the past when I did not know how to doll up and put on make-up. Even with make-up, I looked like some getai singer so I don't think that being beautiful was the reason I was sexually violated. How can sexual abuse even be COMMON? You mean it is right to violate someone whether it is physically or sexually just because it is COMMON?? Are you for real?
I have, however, met many many awesome and amazing people through this journey of becoming an author and I have never regretted putting my story out for the public to scrutinize. A few thousand people by now knows about my life story and I am fine with that.
Stop asking me why I was so stupid to let him off scot-free? I did not have much of a choice.
Connect with me on Imotiv! Download the app now : IMOTIV!
The previous blogpost was a controversial one about the haunted houses I went to in the past. Many of you had shared your experiences with me or told me that you had also went to those houses before.... Well, if you have not, share it with me!!
Today's post will also be a controversial one and many strangers out there would definitely have something to say just like what you all had commented on STOMP and EDMW.
Actually....I did see many more rude and downright atrocious comments online but I shall not probe any further because hey, "FREEDOM OF SPEECH!" I know, I know!
I was inspired by Juli from BunBunMakeUpTips to write this post because she was feeling what I had felt and kept inside me for a long long time.
If you had read Jolene's Story, you would know what my stepfather had did to me when I was just 11 years old, a young Primary 5 girl.
If you have not read it, what are you waiting for?
Get a copy at the nearest bookstores! Popular, Times, Kinokuniya or buy as an ebook online!! You are missing out if you had not read my book!
Anyway, many have asked why did I not charge him/sue him to court and why did I not use the law to imprison him in jail.
(1)It happened exactly 12 years ago.
(2)I did not want my step-brothers to live without both parents. (I have mentioned this many many times in radio interview, in newspaper interviews and all various media interviews.)
I am not trying to portray myself as a noble and selfless sister and I don't need anyone telling me that I am stupid.
The main purpose of "Jolene's Story" is stated right here on Marshall Cavendish's Website.
It is not to focus on the abuse that I went through but it is to reach out to abuse victims out there and tell them NOT to blame themselves and actually they should of course step out earlier to prosecute their abusers.
You may say it is not too late for me to do so, to prosecute him and to let him be punished by the law but for me, it is TOO late.
At the moment of time, nobody believed that I was sexually abused except for my late grandfather who was the one who convinced my mother that it was the truth. I had been charged and was put into Singapore Girls' Home. The authorities only spoke to me in year 2008 but I told them not to carry on with the charges towards the monster. Why?
(3) I know some of you truly care but the majority out there are just mere spectators. I am just your pawn in the game. It is the same with the case of Mr.Ng Boon Gay/Pastor Kong Hee. Most of you do not truly care about them. You all are just outsiders who are CURIOUS as to what is going to happen to them and whether or not they win or lose their cases, no effect will be upon you. You will most probably forget about them 2 years down the road until a similar case happens again. It is the same for me. I will appear on the news headlines "Girl, sexually abused at 11. Standing on trial against predator only 12 years later."
- Will you be there for me every single day if I choose to go on trial against my the sexual predator?
- Will you pay for my legal fees whether or not I win or lose the case?
- Will you cry with me if I lose the case?
- Will you protect me against judgement of the public if I lose the case and than call me a liar because I know that is the expected response from everyone?
- Will you know how it feels to be scrutinized by the public/media everyday for being a sexual abuse victim?
- Will you know how it feels to repeat the whole abuse process again in the courtroom and having to see him indirectly tormenting me?
- What would you gain if I win the case? "See, I told you. She sure win one lah."
- What you say if I lose the case? "See, I told you, She's a liar. Attention seeker only lah write book."
- Telling me to sue him is easy, you just have to speak but what do I have to go through????
This is what Juli had written on her recent blogpost and it says EXACTLY what I feel although we are talking about 2 different subjects.
"You are a spectator. You place a bet on me because you think I’ll win, you take your seat and wait for the show to begin.
I am the matador facing an angry, charging 800KG bull.
If I die, you say ‘Awww, that sucks’. You leave the stadium. You move on with your life.
I, the matador, am dead.
It is so easy to say ‘WHY ARE YOU NOT SUING THEM?!! YOU’RE BEING STUPID BY PROTECTING THEM!!’
Talk is cheap.
Will you sue the salon for me? Will you support me if this really ends up in court? Will you pay for my legal fees? Will you be there in the court room with me? Will you even care about how my case develops two months down the road?
I will be, by then, old news. You will move on with your life while mine is in shambles.
Only the intelligent have told me my decision to not disclose the name thus far is a wise move. Only those who truly care say my decision is commendable and shows just how sensible/mature I am in handling the situation.
The general misconception is that if someone does you wrong, you sue. The reality is far from this, really. There are many steps and actions you can take before you actually stand trial.
As much as I’m hurting and suffering from all that the salon has subjected to, I am logical. Right from the start, even with physical and mental torture, I have been rational."
Do you think that I am happy that the person who violated me has not been punished by the law? Do you know that I still get nightmares of the incident over and over again but I refuse to let them affect me? Do you know how it feels when up to this moment of time, he is still denying it and spreading rumors that I wrote rubbish in the book? He has ruined my whole childhood and my teenage years, I do not want him to continue to ruin the rest of my life.
If I wanted, I could have just posted his photo here on my blog but I was afraid that my laptop would be infected with a virus.(Just kidding).. but seriously speaking, I can give you the link to his Facebook account, I could tell you his name, his occupation and even tell you where he lives. BUT NO, I refuse to behave like how YOU think I should. I refuse to act on impulse and try to ruin his life just like how he had ruined mine.
Writing the book and getting it published was a way of attaining vigilante justice although in actual fact it did not punish him in any way.
Look at what the general public thinks :
"So pretty and cute, if I am the step father, I also cannot tahan leh."
"This is quite common what... step father or brothers doing such things. lol, no need to write one book meh.. I think teenagers won't wanna read it. maybe old ppl will like."
I really WORRY for people like that. Is looking good a crime? Sorry to say, I looked hideous in the past when I did not know how to doll up and put on make-up. Even with make-up, I looked like some getai singer so I don't think that being beautiful was the reason I was sexually violated. How can sexual abuse even be COMMON? You mean it is right to violate someone whether it is physically or sexually just because it is COMMON?? Are you for real?
I have, however, met many many awesome and amazing people through this journey of becoming an author and I have never regretted putting my story out for the public to scrutinize. A few thousand people by now knows about my life story and I am fine with that.
Stop asking me why I was so stupid to let him off scot-free? I did not have much of a choice.
Connect with me on Imotiv! Download the app now : IMOTIV!
Labels: Biography, Emotional, Jolene's Story, Life, Local Author, Truth
I need advice.
Thursday, June 06, 2013
I hope the above title doesn't scare you but I really need some advice now.
How do I start?
I am lost and am stuck in a maze now.
I've worked full time for about 3 years now. I've been in the customer service line and mostly in the corporate sales line. The problem with me now is... I don't know what I want to do with my life, all of a sudden.
Yes, I am a published author and I am loving that fact. BUT, authors don't get rich and it's not as if I became J.K Rowling overnight. Sad to say, jobs that deals with art rarely pays well here. Still, nothing will stop me from continuing to write.
I left my first job because the pay was really little and even though the boss recognized my potential and said I excelled in the job, he wouldn't pay me more and instead hired more foreigners for the job paying them double of my salary.
I left my second job because I had fought very hard to get the commission I deserve but no, I never got it. I mean who stays in a sales job that doesn't pay commission? I work so hard to clinch sales and hit my target but I only get a basic salary. It just doesn't seem fair to me.
I got my scholarship from MDIS and I thought of working part-time during my studies from this year until 2015 but I know that it just would not work because I have to fend for myself, repay family's debts(FML) and pay the bills.
I tried out two jobs for a few months and it just is not working out!! The current one I am in.. It pays well but I am just so unmotivated because I have zero confidence that I can sell the product well AT ALL.
Sometimes, I feel so down as if my life is just screwed. I love to write, I want to act and I want to have my own business. I am hoping that Jolene's Story can be made into a movie but hey, who would have faith that it would sell? Jolene's Story is not even a bestseller. I have tried to market my book as much as possible but well, I am just a nobody. That's a fact.
Writing can't sustain me because I do not have enough experience OR qualifications to be an editor, a journalist or whatever writer.. even a web content writer because I am not good with handling websites. (even though I did a good job with LOBANG X.) I can't join the acting industry because I have a full-time job now and can't go for auditions. I went for a few before though and I never got selected. I need time and I need luck but sad to say, I can't afford to.
Being a 23 year old with barely any savings in the bank makes me feel damn lousy about myself. I don't spend a lot but I just use a lot of the money I earned to pay debts. That's bloody sad, I know.
I have an online blogshop with my bestie and although we are not any big brands but we do our best for it and hope to make it big one day. I have a registered business with James but this is only the beginning of our start-up and I cannot afford to quit my full-time to focus on it because I just cannot afford to.
I know that our previous generation are faithful and loyal people who joins a company and can last 10-40 years in there but why is it that I can't? I'm not even happy here, in my current one. People here asks me if I am autistic and why do I not socialize with people here? People here freak out after hearing about Jolene's Story and nobody is genuinely concerned about me, I don't feel any belonging here at all. And is it my fault? Am I supposed to go around the office and talk to everyone I see. Some are arrogant and proud and some judge me almost instantly after knowing about "Jolene's Story." Nobody actually supports it or have any intention to buy my book to understand more. Nobody is genuine. And if I leave, people will start labeling me a "job-hopper." I can't just bear with it if I am unhappy in a job, I would leave because I see no point in staying. A job is an everyday thing, how can I be unhappy everyday?
I stayed on in my previous sales job because I found a dear friend in a colleague. We had our fights and disagreements but we still stuck to each other like sisters every time we face storms in our jobs. At least I had her. I also stayed a year plus in my first job because I met really nice people there, like my beloved godmother for example. Is it that genuine people don't exist anymore?
I had a two month job in my a printing firm this year and it was horrible because I felt like such an outcast and right now, in my current one... I feel the same way too.
I am online on job portals trying to find a greener pasture again but will I really find one that I can last in? Or....
DOES THE PROBLEM LIES WITH ME?
I really don't know. If I can, I would quit this current one and focus on Lobang X to make it more established and stable and be comfortable on being my own boss.
I need a direction.
How do I start?
I am lost and am stuck in a maze now.
I've worked full time for about 3 years now. I've been in the customer service line and mostly in the corporate sales line. The problem with me now is... I don't know what I want to do with my life, all of a sudden.
Yes, I am a published author and I am loving that fact. BUT, authors don't get rich and it's not as if I became J.K Rowling overnight. Sad to say, jobs that deals with art rarely pays well here. Still, nothing will stop me from continuing to write.
I left my first job because the pay was really little and even though the boss recognized my potential and said I excelled in the job, he wouldn't pay me more and instead hired more foreigners for the job paying them double of my salary.
I left my second job because I had fought very hard to get the commission I deserve but no, I never got it. I mean who stays in a sales job that doesn't pay commission? I work so hard to clinch sales and hit my target but I only get a basic salary. It just doesn't seem fair to me.
I got my scholarship from MDIS and I thought of working part-time during my studies from this year until 2015 but I know that it just would not work because I have to fend for myself, repay family's debts(FML) and pay the bills.
I tried out two jobs for a few months and it just is not working out!! The current one I am in.. It pays well but I am just so unmotivated because I have zero confidence that I can sell the product well AT ALL.
Sometimes, I feel so down as if my life is just screwed. I love to write, I want to act and I want to have my own business. I am hoping that Jolene's Story can be made into a movie but hey, who would have faith that it would sell? Jolene's Story is not even a bestseller. I have tried to market my book as much as possible but well, I am just a nobody. That's a fact.
Writing can't sustain me because I do not have enough experience OR qualifications to be an editor, a journalist or whatever writer.. even a web content writer because I am not good with handling websites. (even though I did a good job with LOBANG X.) I can't join the acting industry because I have a full-time job now and can't go for auditions. I went for a few before though and I never got selected. I need time and I need luck but sad to say, I can't afford to.
Being a 23 year old with barely any savings in the bank makes me feel damn lousy about myself. I don't spend a lot but I just use a lot of the money I earned to pay debts. That's bloody sad, I know.
I have an online blogshop with my bestie and although we are not any big brands but we do our best for it and hope to make it big one day. I have a registered business with James but this is only the beginning of our start-up and I cannot afford to quit my full-time to focus on it because I just cannot afford to.
I know that our previous generation are faithful and loyal people who joins a company and can last 10-40 years in there but why is it that I can't? I'm not even happy here, in my current one. People here asks me if I am autistic and why do I not socialize with people here? People here freak out after hearing about Jolene's Story and nobody is genuinely concerned about me, I don't feel any belonging here at all. And is it my fault? Am I supposed to go around the office and talk to everyone I see. Some are arrogant and proud and some judge me almost instantly after knowing about "Jolene's Story." Nobody actually supports it or have any intention to buy my book to understand more. Nobody is genuine. And if I leave, people will start labeling me a "job-hopper." I can't just bear with it if I am unhappy in a job, I would leave because I see no point in staying. A job is an everyday thing, how can I be unhappy everyday?
I stayed on in my previous sales job because I found a dear friend in a colleague. We had our fights and disagreements but we still stuck to each other like sisters every time we face storms in our jobs. At least I had her. I also stayed a year plus in my first job because I met really nice people there, like my beloved godmother for example. Is it that genuine people don't exist anymore?
I had a two month job in my a printing firm this year and it was horrible because I felt like such an outcast and right now, in my current one... I feel the same way too.
I am online on job portals trying to find a greener pasture again but will I really find one that I can last in? Or....
DOES THE PROBLEM LIES WITH ME?
I really don't know. If I can, I would quit this current one and focus on Lobang X to make it more established and stable and be comfortable on being my own boss.
I need a direction.
Labels: Daily Rants, Emotional, Problems
Born to be abandoned.
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
"I've overcome neglect and deprivation, abandonment and abuse."
Tatum O\'Nea
Today's post is somewhat or rather very emotional and brutally honest so if you are feeling good today, skip this and have a good day ahead!
If you are a reader of Jolene's Story, you would know of my past and what had went on between my parents and me. HE left and never returned for me although he did mentioned that he would fight for my custody. HE re-married and have three kids of his own now and HIS wife doesn't allow him to come and see me. He says he has his own hardship, pain and agony and it is not his intention to avoid me. I have given up on wanting to see HIM again, I never thought that we will ever be reunited ever again because his wife is insecure to allow HIM to see his blood daughter. I am numb towards his indifference although I have heard that he secretly keeps my photos and looks at it. Does HE really fear his wife that much? Even if HE is not allowed to see me, why can't HE text me or contact me via any means of social media? I do not wish to fathom about this idea anymore.
Maybe we will meet in our next life, Dad.
What about HER? Although she had me in her for 9 months and she took care of me when I was younger... Could that ever cover up all the hurt and the pain that she had put me through? The pain she had when she was giving birth to me, I cannot feel it but I am feeling a million times worse than that. Physical pain can be measured but not my emotional agony.
I was given birth and put into the care of my nanny and grandparents almost immediately. SHE always talked about how big $500 was in the past for my nanny's fees and SHE always emphasized the crucial amount. Learning to feed myself, walk and talk at the age of 1 was indeed a talent and I learned them all without HER. SHE did not taught me those. My nanny did, my grandparents did. SHE had to work hard at pubs and lounges to earn money and I understood. At a tender age of 1, I never complained and I never grumbled. I put myself in her shoes and I understood that she had to make a living and to fend for me. I never did put any blame on her before.
Fast forward to when I was 6. I was done with kindergarten and it was time to start a new life in Primary School. Life was a far stretch for me indeed and like any other kid, it was a brand new start for me. SHE fell in love, SHE married and SHE made me move in with THE MONSTER. SHE loved him a lot and bore him 2 sons. Before the existence of the 2 sons, I was his punching bag and his sexual toy. Everything I did was wrong, even if I was only climbing up a chair. Every action resulted in the caning on my flesh and scoldings to my ears. There was never a day I was "Smart and Clever Jolene." I was always "stupid, dumb and naughty." SHE was always busy, with the housework, with the 2 sons and with satisfying THE MONSTER's sexual needs. I witnessed their acts before and they were never embarrassed by it.
People think that physical abuse by step-parents were common. I thought so too. If SHE could be happy with THE MONSTER and in turn I was to be brutally beaten everyday, I was fine to live with it. The sexual abuse started when she pregnant with the second son. Isn't it obvious that she was not in the state to satisfy his sexual needs and I had to take her place? I wasn't raped, is that a comfort? I was sexually abused and molested, although they probably meant the same thing. This abuse will haunt me forever and ever. Many times, I wanted to speak up and to tell her but THE MONSTER warned me so many times. He said that I was to keep silent or SHE will be harmed. I love her so I have to protect her, even though I was only 11. Indeed, she portrayed me a liar when I finally spoke up during my rebellious days in my teens.
"SHE"S LYING!"
I will always remember this words that came out from her mouth.
I am not trying to say that I am noble. Neither am I saying that I sacrifice a lot for the brothers. I put the pain aside to give the brothers a better life. One of them appreciates but he is still too young to comprehend everything. The other one is nonchalant and he doesn't believe his father is how I paint him out to be. Humans should not die with regrets, they should always fulfill everything they want to do in life. The biggest regret in my life is witnessing the sexual predator NOT BEING imprisoned and punished for what he has done to me. The nightmare and the agony, no matter how I try my best to hide them... will always be here within me. He is living well, scot-free and still never changed. He has never ADMITTED his wrongdoings or bad deeds.
Moving on from that episode, I thought that life would be so much better. Though he was not imprisoned, at least I need not stay under the same roof with him any longer. I thought I was FREE from pain and sufferings. SHE moved on and met other men. So many other men. The hurt and separation from THE MONSTER did not push HER away from HER love to the male species. SHE was determined to find her way back into love. SHE got attached to different men, one was even married. HER marriage was ruined by a third party and SHE felt no shame being one, reason being he no longer loved his wife? The irony. I was always made to "sit in a corner" (not literally) while SHE busied herself with her love life. I was 15 when I stopped relying on HER.
I worked hard to fend for myself but I could never have any savings. My earnings were always given to loan-sharks and other debtors. I always shouldered HER debts and Grandma's debts. They were my family so I felt that I had to do it for them. SHE was never honest with me over HER debts. SHE always said that her friend was in the hospital and needed money for this and that. WHO was the liar now?
Still, I paid and paid and paid. I complained of course but I still paid. Everyone always says, "After-all, she is still your Mum." That was a reason in the past... Now? It was an EXCUSE.
I was not good enough to enter a polytechnic with my O'level results and I was only eligible for ITE. Many people thought that I was stuck-up and refused to go for further education in ITE. I lied that it will take me a long time and it was a waste of time. I lied. I wanted so much to continue my teenage years studying but because of the amount of debts, I did not do so. I stepped into the corporate world, working so hard for HER. 2012, SHE cohabited with a drunkard who did no harm to me but it was unsafe for me to stay in a one room flat with him so I was always unhappy and fought hard with HDB for a house of my own. I appealed 8 times to the HDB and finally, we got our rental flat that was signed under HER name. SHE left the drunkard. Many a times, I wrote HER letters to make HER understand my pain of always paying HER debts and make HER realize that buying SO MUCH lottery is harmful. SHE always appeared to understand and always acted as if SHE will change.
Behind my back, SHE borrowed from my boyfriend's Mum and my godmother. I knew my godmother in my first job and she really treated me as if I was her own child. I never ever felt those love from my blood mother. I had to pay the money that she owed my boyfriend's mum because she never seemed to bother paying up.. even though it was quite a small amount. I tried many ways to return the amount she owed to my godmother as well but my godmother just refused to accept it. After leaving the drunkard, SHE swore that SHE would never rely on men anymore as most of them forsaken HER and treated HER bad. SHE swore to live for herself. How happy I was, hearing those words from HER. Before our rental flat was given to us, we stayed temporarily at my best friend's place. Her family allowed us to put up with them for a small fee and I was eternally grateful to them. The new rental flat came and SHE was jobless with no money to pay for anything. I was jobless at that time as well but I worked adhoc jobs, finding money to buy furniture for the house and my friends all sponsored me different items. She did not have to pay for anything. I thought that life was renewed after Jolene's Story was published and I had gotten a scholarship this year. SHE met another man at her new workplace, he was the manager and SHE fell in love, again.
I never stopped HER from dating. I only wanted HER to not rely so much on him because SHE didn't knew him well. During her lonely days, I was the one who celebrated her birthday , Mother's day and other festivals with her. I celebrated HER birthday with HER this year as well and so did her boyfriend. He gave her a cake, a gift and a card and she proclaimed on Facebook that SHE had never felt any happier in HER life, ever. SHE knew him for less than a month and they got together. He started moving his things over, bit by bit, to my home. He slowly took over. I quarreled with HER a few times because he was at our place and I couldn't go home. SHE had abandoned me, spiritually. He was all SHE could talk about. I gave in and said that if he wanted to stay at our place, inform me beforehand so I can make arrangements. I have to allow a stranger to stay at my place while I find lodging outside. How appropriate? When we sit down for dinner, all SHE could talk about was him and him and him. I wasn't interested but I had to pretend to be. SHE never asked about me, or my work or my school or anything else. SHE kept going on about how well he treated HER, peeling prawns for her and so on and so forth. Our relationship strained and a few times, we quarreled over him. She posted up on Facebook to tell me not to be overboard and to remember that without HER, I would not have today. Seriously?
I was accustomed to the fact that SHE always brought him home and I was to find lodging outside. The rental flat was under HER name, what else could I say? Just last week, my best friend told me something that she had kept a secret for 4 months. YES! 4 months. Best friend said that her mother had borrowed $500 to HER. Yes, to the woman who did not have to pay a cent for the house. SHE borrowed the $500 from my best friend's mother saying that SHE had to pay many stuffs for the new place. What rubbish? Others borrowed her the money on account of me and promised to keep it a secret from me. However, when it was time to repay the debts, SHE ignored my best friend's calls and text messages. She totally ignored them. Even if SHE had no money to return, it was basic courtesy to pick up the call or return a text to inform. She did not. How embarrassed I was, imagine it... when my best friend told me to my face what had happened. They provided us with lodging, they cooked for us and treated us so well but SHE never felt any shame borrowing such a large amount and NOT paying. I paid HER phone bills and insurance fees for HER. All she had to pay was the rental fee, electricity and water bills and some misc bills which all amounted to less than $200.
SHE could even bring HER boyfriend's bed-sheets back to our place to wash for him. All his clothes are hand-washed by HER. How did he survive before he met HER? Absolute rubbish. He stayed in a storeroom in his own place so since my place was a haven for him, would he not want to make it permanent? The debt, $500, was not a small sum but I decided to repay it for her. I could not face my best friend and her family. I had to repay them.
Yesterday, I could not hold in all the anger, hurt and tears anymore. I wrote her a message with everything I had wanted to say. I even told her that I'll repay the $500 and I never even asked for the reason why she borrowed that amount. I told her that she should not trust the guy easily no matter how good he treated HER because SHE knew him less than a month. If he was so good, why was he not fending for HER and giving HER a good life? The message was filled with so much truth and explained all the heartache I felt.
Sadly, SHE did not accepted it and got angry instead.
She replied me : "If you hate me, you can sever ties with me. Don't talk about my boyfriend. He did not do anything wrong. This problem is between you and me. "
There was no gratitude for me for paying off HER debts and SHE felt no remorse. SHE doesn't feel that SHE had done anything wrong. SHE only thinks that I want to spoil HER relationship with her boyfriend.
She had abandoned me, long ago...
Ever since she had called me a liar for "accusing" her ex-husband.. I should have known that I was better off an orphan.
The pain you have made me feel,
The situation, just unreal,
Your supposed to be there for me,
But a mother you’ll never be.
The pain is already numb,
But yet the torture isn’t ..........
Labels: 2013, Abandonment, Emotional, Family, Humanity, Problems
