I need advice.
Thursday, June 06, 2013
I hope the above title doesn't scare you but I really need some advice now.
How do I start?
I am lost and am stuck in a maze now.
I've worked full time for about 3 years now. I've been in the customer service line and mostly in the corporate sales line. The problem with me now is... I don't know what I want to do with my life, all of a sudden.
Yes, I am a published author and I am loving that fact. BUT, authors don't get rich and it's not as if I became J.K Rowling overnight. Sad to say, jobs that deals with art rarely pays well here. Still, nothing will stop me from continuing to write.
I left my first job because the pay was really little and even though the boss recognized my potential and said I excelled in the job, he wouldn't pay me more and instead hired more foreigners for the job paying them double of my salary.
I left my second job because I had fought very hard to get the commission I deserve but no, I never got it. I mean who stays in a sales job that doesn't pay commission? I work so hard to clinch sales and hit my target but I only get a basic salary. It just doesn't seem fair to me.
I got my scholarship from MDIS and I thought of working part-time during my studies from this year until 2015 but I know that it just would not work because I have to fend for myself, repay family's debts(FML) and pay the bills.
I tried out two jobs for a few months and it just is not working out!! The current one I am in.. It pays well but I am just so unmotivated because I have zero confidence that I can sell the product well AT ALL.
Sometimes, I feel so down as if my life is just screwed. I love to write, I want to act and I want to have my own business. I am hoping that Jolene's Story can be made into a movie but hey, who would have faith that it would sell? Jolene's Story is not even a bestseller. I have tried to market my book as much as possible but well, I am just a nobody. That's a fact.
Writing can't sustain me because I do not have enough experience OR qualifications to be an editor, a journalist or whatever writer.. even a web content writer because I am not good with handling websites. (even though I did a good job with LOBANG X.) I can't join the acting industry because I have a full-time job now and can't go for auditions. I went for a few before though and I never got selected. I need time and I need luck but sad to say, I can't afford to.
Being a 23 year old with barely any savings in the bank makes me feel damn lousy about myself. I don't spend a lot but I just use a lot of the money I earned to pay debts. That's bloody sad, I know.
I have an online blogshop with my bestie and although we are not any big brands but we do our best for it and hope to make it big one day. I have a registered business with James but this is only the beginning of our start-up and I cannot afford to quit my full-time to focus on it because I just cannot afford to.
I know that our previous generation are faithful and loyal people who joins a company and can last 10-40 years in there but why is it that I can't? I'm not even happy here, in my current one. People here asks me if I am autistic and why do I not socialize with people here? People here freak out after hearing about Jolene's Story and nobody is genuinely concerned about me, I don't feel any belonging here at all. And is it my fault? Am I supposed to go around the office and talk to everyone I see. Some are arrogant and proud and some judge me almost instantly after knowing about "Jolene's Story." Nobody actually supports it or have any intention to buy my book to understand more. Nobody is genuine. And if I leave, people will start labeling me a "job-hopper." I can't just bear with it if I am unhappy in a job, I would leave because I see no point in staying. A job is an everyday thing, how can I be unhappy everyday?
I stayed on in my previous sales job because I found a dear friend in a colleague. We had our fights and disagreements but we still stuck to each other like sisters every time we face storms in our jobs. At least I had her. I also stayed a year plus in my first job because I met really nice people there, like my beloved godmother for example. Is it that genuine people don't exist anymore?
I had a two month job in my a printing firm this year and it was horrible because I felt like such an outcast and right now, in my current one... I feel the same way too.
I am online on job portals trying to find a greener pasture again but will I really find one that I can last in? Or....
DOES THE PROBLEM LIES WITH ME?
I really don't know. If I can, I would quit this current one and focus on Lobang X to make it more established and stable and be comfortable on being my own boss.
I need a direction.
How do I start?
I am lost and am stuck in a maze now.
I've worked full time for about 3 years now. I've been in the customer service line and mostly in the corporate sales line. The problem with me now is... I don't know what I want to do with my life, all of a sudden.
Yes, I am a published author and I am loving that fact. BUT, authors don't get rich and it's not as if I became J.K Rowling overnight. Sad to say, jobs that deals with art rarely pays well here. Still, nothing will stop me from continuing to write.
I left my first job because the pay was really little and even though the boss recognized my potential and said I excelled in the job, he wouldn't pay me more and instead hired more foreigners for the job paying them double of my salary.
I left my second job because I had fought very hard to get the commission I deserve but no, I never got it. I mean who stays in a sales job that doesn't pay commission? I work so hard to clinch sales and hit my target but I only get a basic salary. It just doesn't seem fair to me.
I got my scholarship from MDIS and I thought of working part-time during my studies from this year until 2015 but I know that it just would not work because I have to fend for myself, repay family's debts(FML) and pay the bills.
I tried out two jobs for a few months and it just is not working out!! The current one I am in.. It pays well but I am just so unmotivated because I have zero confidence that I can sell the product well AT ALL.
Sometimes, I feel so down as if my life is just screwed. I love to write, I want to act and I want to have my own business. I am hoping that Jolene's Story can be made into a movie but hey, who would have faith that it would sell? Jolene's Story is not even a bestseller. I have tried to market my book as much as possible but well, I am just a nobody. That's a fact.
Writing can't sustain me because I do not have enough experience OR qualifications to be an editor, a journalist or whatever writer.. even a web content writer because I am not good with handling websites. (even though I did a good job with LOBANG X.) I can't join the acting industry because I have a full-time job now and can't go for auditions. I went for a few before though and I never got selected. I need time and I need luck but sad to say, I can't afford to.
Being a 23 year old with barely any savings in the bank makes me feel damn lousy about myself. I don't spend a lot but I just use a lot of the money I earned to pay debts. That's bloody sad, I know.
I have an online blogshop with my bestie and although we are not any big brands but we do our best for it and hope to make it big one day. I have a registered business with James but this is only the beginning of our start-up and I cannot afford to quit my full-time to focus on it because I just cannot afford to.
I know that our previous generation are faithful and loyal people who joins a company and can last 10-40 years in there but why is it that I can't? I'm not even happy here, in my current one. People here asks me if I am autistic and why do I not socialize with people here? People here freak out after hearing about Jolene's Story and nobody is genuinely concerned about me, I don't feel any belonging here at all. And is it my fault? Am I supposed to go around the office and talk to everyone I see. Some are arrogant and proud and some judge me almost instantly after knowing about "Jolene's Story." Nobody actually supports it or have any intention to buy my book to understand more. Nobody is genuine. And if I leave, people will start labeling me a "job-hopper." I can't just bear with it if I am unhappy in a job, I would leave because I see no point in staying. A job is an everyday thing, how can I be unhappy everyday?
I stayed on in my previous sales job because I found a dear friend in a colleague. We had our fights and disagreements but we still stuck to each other like sisters every time we face storms in our jobs. At least I had her. I also stayed a year plus in my first job because I met really nice people there, like my beloved godmother for example. Is it that genuine people don't exist anymore?
I had a two month job in my a printing firm this year and it was horrible because I felt like such an outcast and right now, in my current one... I feel the same way too.
I am online on job portals trying to find a greener pasture again but will I really find one that I can last in? Or....
DOES THE PROBLEM LIES WITH ME?
I really don't know. If I can, I would quit this current one and focus on Lobang X to make it more established and stable and be comfortable on being my own boss.
I need a direction.
Labels: Daily Rants, Emotional, Problems
Born to be abandoned.
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
"I've overcome neglect and deprivation, abandonment and abuse."
Tatum O\'Nea
Today's post is somewhat or rather very emotional and brutally honest so if you are feeling good today, skip this and have a good day ahead!
If you are a reader of Jolene's Story, you would know of my past and what had went on between my parents and me. HE left and never returned for me although he did mentioned that he would fight for my custody. HE re-married and have three kids of his own now and HIS wife doesn't allow him to come and see me. He says he has his own hardship, pain and agony and it is not his intention to avoid me. I have given up on wanting to see HIM again, I never thought that we will ever be reunited ever again because his wife is insecure to allow HIM to see his blood daughter. I am numb towards his indifference although I have heard that he secretly keeps my photos and looks at it. Does HE really fear his wife that much? Even if HE is not allowed to see me, why can't HE text me or contact me via any means of social media? I do not wish to fathom about this idea anymore.
Maybe we will meet in our next life, Dad.
What about HER? Although she had me in her for 9 months and she took care of me when I was younger... Could that ever cover up all the hurt and the pain that she had put me through? The pain she had when she was giving birth to me, I cannot feel it but I am feeling a million times worse than that. Physical pain can be measured but not my emotional agony.
I was given birth and put into the care of my nanny and grandparents almost immediately. SHE always talked about how big $500 was in the past for my nanny's fees and SHE always emphasized the crucial amount. Learning to feed myself, walk and talk at the age of 1 was indeed a talent and I learned them all without HER. SHE did not taught me those. My nanny did, my grandparents did. SHE had to work hard at pubs and lounges to earn money and I understood. At a tender age of 1, I never complained and I never grumbled. I put myself in her shoes and I understood that she had to make a living and to fend for me. I never did put any blame on her before.
Fast forward to when I was 6. I was done with kindergarten and it was time to start a new life in Primary School. Life was a far stretch for me indeed and like any other kid, it was a brand new start for me. SHE fell in love, SHE married and SHE made me move in with THE MONSTER. SHE loved him a lot and bore him 2 sons. Before the existence of the 2 sons, I was his punching bag and his sexual toy. Everything I did was wrong, even if I was only climbing up a chair. Every action resulted in the caning on my flesh and scoldings to my ears. There was never a day I was "Smart and Clever Jolene." I was always "stupid, dumb and naughty." SHE was always busy, with the housework, with the 2 sons and with satisfying THE MONSTER's sexual needs. I witnessed their acts before and they were never embarrassed by it.
People think that physical abuse by step-parents were common. I thought so too. If SHE could be happy with THE MONSTER and in turn I was to be brutally beaten everyday, I was fine to live with it. The sexual abuse started when she pregnant with the second son. Isn't it obvious that she was not in the state to satisfy his sexual needs and I had to take her place? I wasn't raped, is that a comfort? I was sexually abused and molested, although they probably meant the same thing. This abuse will haunt me forever and ever. Many times, I wanted to speak up and to tell her but THE MONSTER warned me so many times. He said that I was to keep silent or SHE will be harmed. I love her so I have to protect her, even though I was only 11. Indeed, she portrayed me a liar when I finally spoke up during my rebellious days in my teens.
"SHE"S LYING!"
I will always remember this words that came out from her mouth.
I am not trying to say that I am noble. Neither am I saying that I sacrifice a lot for the brothers. I put the pain aside to give the brothers a better life. One of them appreciates but he is still too young to comprehend everything. The other one is nonchalant and he doesn't believe his father is how I paint him out to be. Humans should not die with regrets, they should always fulfill everything they want to do in life. The biggest regret in my life is witnessing the sexual predator NOT BEING imprisoned and punished for what he has done to me. The nightmare and the agony, no matter how I try my best to hide them... will always be here within me. He is living well, scot-free and still never changed. He has never ADMITTED his wrongdoings or bad deeds.
Moving on from that episode, I thought that life would be so much better. Though he was not imprisoned, at least I need not stay under the same roof with him any longer. I thought I was FREE from pain and sufferings. SHE moved on and met other men. So many other men. The hurt and separation from THE MONSTER did not push HER away from HER love to the male species. SHE was determined to find her way back into love. SHE got attached to different men, one was even married. HER marriage was ruined by a third party and SHE felt no shame being one, reason being he no longer loved his wife? The irony. I was always made to "sit in a corner" (not literally) while SHE busied herself with her love life. I was 15 when I stopped relying on HER.
I worked hard to fend for myself but I could never have any savings. My earnings were always given to loan-sharks and other debtors. I always shouldered HER debts and Grandma's debts. They were my family so I felt that I had to do it for them. SHE was never honest with me over HER debts. SHE always said that her friend was in the hospital and needed money for this and that. WHO was the liar now?
Still, I paid and paid and paid. I complained of course but I still paid. Everyone always says, "After-all, she is still your Mum." That was a reason in the past... Now? It was an EXCUSE.
I was not good enough to enter a polytechnic with my O'level results and I was only eligible for ITE. Many people thought that I was stuck-up and refused to go for further education in ITE. I lied that it will take me a long time and it was a waste of time. I lied. I wanted so much to continue my teenage years studying but because of the amount of debts, I did not do so. I stepped into the corporate world, working so hard for HER. 2012, SHE cohabited with a drunkard who did no harm to me but it was unsafe for me to stay in a one room flat with him so I was always unhappy and fought hard with HDB for a house of my own. I appealed 8 times to the HDB and finally, we got our rental flat that was signed under HER name. SHE left the drunkard. Many a times, I wrote HER letters to make HER understand my pain of always paying HER debts and make HER realize that buying SO MUCH lottery is harmful. SHE always appeared to understand and always acted as if SHE will change.
Behind my back, SHE borrowed from my boyfriend's Mum and my godmother. I knew my godmother in my first job and she really treated me as if I was her own child. I never ever felt those love from my blood mother. I had to pay the money that she owed my boyfriend's mum because she never seemed to bother paying up.. even though it was quite a small amount. I tried many ways to return the amount she owed to my godmother as well but my godmother just refused to accept it. After leaving the drunkard, SHE swore that SHE would never rely on men anymore as most of them forsaken HER and treated HER bad. SHE swore to live for herself. How happy I was, hearing those words from HER. Before our rental flat was given to us, we stayed temporarily at my best friend's place. Her family allowed us to put up with them for a small fee and I was eternally grateful to them. The new rental flat came and SHE was jobless with no money to pay for anything. I was jobless at that time as well but I worked adhoc jobs, finding money to buy furniture for the house and my friends all sponsored me different items. She did not have to pay for anything. I thought that life was renewed after Jolene's Story was published and I had gotten a scholarship this year. SHE met another man at her new workplace, he was the manager and SHE fell in love, again.
I never stopped HER from dating. I only wanted HER to not rely so much on him because SHE didn't knew him well. During her lonely days, I was the one who celebrated her birthday , Mother's day and other festivals with her. I celebrated HER birthday with HER this year as well and so did her boyfriend. He gave her a cake, a gift and a card and she proclaimed on Facebook that SHE had never felt any happier in HER life, ever. SHE knew him for less than a month and they got together. He started moving his things over, bit by bit, to my home. He slowly took over. I quarreled with HER a few times because he was at our place and I couldn't go home. SHE had abandoned me, spiritually. He was all SHE could talk about. I gave in and said that if he wanted to stay at our place, inform me beforehand so I can make arrangements. I have to allow a stranger to stay at my place while I find lodging outside. How appropriate? When we sit down for dinner, all SHE could talk about was him and him and him. I wasn't interested but I had to pretend to be. SHE never asked about me, or my work or my school or anything else. SHE kept going on about how well he treated HER, peeling prawns for her and so on and so forth. Our relationship strained and a few times, we quarreled over him. She posted up on Facebook to tell me not to be overboard and to remember that without HER, I would not have today. Seriously?
I was accustomed to the fact that SHE always brought him home and I was to find lodging outside. The rental flat was under HER name, what else could I say? Just last week, my best friend told me something that she had kept a secret for 4 months. YES! 4 months. Best friend said that her mother had borrowed $500 to HER. Yes, to the woman who did not have to pay a cent for the house. SHE borrowed the $500 from my best friend's mother saying that SHE had to pay many stuffs for the new place. What rubbish? Others borrowed her the money on account of me and promised to keep it a secret from me. However, when it was time to repay the debts, SHE ignored my best friend's calls and text messages. She totally ignored them. Even if SHE had no money to return, it was basic courtesy to pick up the call or return a text to inform. She did not. How embarrassed I was, imagine it... when my best friend told me to my face what had happened. They provided us with lodging, they cooked for us and treated us so well but SHE never felt any shame borrowing such a large amount and NOT paying. I paid HER phone bills and insurance fees for HER. All she had to pay was the rental fee, electricity and water bills and some misc bills which all amounted to less than $200.
SHE could even bring HER boyfriend's bed-sheets back to our place to wash for him. All his clothes are hand-washed by HER. How did he survive before he met HER? Absolute rubbish. He stayed in a storeroom in his own place so since my place was a haven for him, would he not want to make it permanent? The debt, $500, was not a small sum but I decided to repay it for her. I could not face my best friend and her family. I had to repay them.
Yesterday, I could not hold in all the anger, hurt and tears anymore. I wrote her a message with everything I had wanted to say. I even told her that I'll repay the $500 and I never even asked for the reason why she borrowed that amount. I told her that she should not trust the guy easily no matter how good he treated HER because SHE knew him less than a month. If he was so good, why was he not fending for HER and giving HER a good life? The message was filled with so much truth and explained all the heartache I felt.
Sadly, SHE did not accepted it and got angry instead.
She replied me : "If you hate me, you can sever ties with me. Don't talk about my boyfriend. He did not do anything wrong. This problem is between you and me. "
There was no gratitude for me for paying off HER debts and SHE felt no remorse. SHE doesn't feel that SHE had done anything wrong. SHE only thinks that I want to spoil HER relationship with her boyfriend.
She had abandoned me, long ago...
Ever since she had called me a liar for "accusing" her ex-husband.. I should have known that I was better off an orphan.
The pain you have made me feel,
The situation, just unreal,
Your supposed to be there for me,
But a mother you’ll never be.
The pain is already numb,
But yet the torture isn’t ..........
Labels: 2013, Abandonment, Emotional, Family, Humanity, Problems
SMP, bkwards.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I am feeling out of sorts, and it is due to no particular reason.
Does PMS always make people feel shitty abt themselves??
Why can't PMS be like happy mood swings like u swing all yr sorrows into happiness?
I've been growing stronger, in some sort of ways.
I know who I can rely on, and who I can't. I am independent enough to know what I have to do.
But damn this hand-to-mouth life that I am leading.
Is this what I want??
Definitely not.
I am miserably poor and I have no other choice. I ain't showing any contempt for my job.
I am just yearning for nicer grass patches.
You see, life is really so darn short.
Seconds,days,months,hours passes crazily quickly and we don't even get a chance to sit down and reflect.
Life passes tt fast and yet I don't have a chance to enjoy every minute of it.
Not at all when I am miserably trying so hard to feed myself,screwing my brain juices out to think of ways to help with Grandma's loanshark debts.
I think it is pathetic how help is given to us needy Singaporeans.
The people in charge of helping us with housing and such are not doing much at all.
My mum and me has no roof over our heads.
We seek the higher authority's help.
They wrote my mum a letter telling her to buy from the market.
If we have the money, we wouldn't even seek your help, D-U-H.
We can only afford the tiles of a bathroom floor I guess? Or maybe even lesser than that.
Fine, we seek your help again.
My mum did the queuing and all the other hassle just to get a chance to meet the person in charge over at the EAST region.
Well, he was emotionless while my mum blabbered our pathetic story to him.
He didn't even pity us.
Filthy rich important people do not really care about penniless people like us.
They wouldn't even remember our faces even after we walked pass them 10 times.
Shitty.
And so, we sulk and wait for the letter from him again hoping that he would give us some good news.
Actually,we went to the EAST region first, than my mum was pissed so she went to the NORTH-EAST region to seek someone else who was of higher authority than the fella at the EAST side.
BUT,the EAST guy was unhappy and his people called us up to proceed to the EAST side agn.
That is why we went for the second time what!
Anyway,the letter came...
And we were told that since my mum could not afford to buy from the market or rent,and my uncle was going to throw my mum out of his house soon,they indicated that my mum has another sibling.
Her younger brother.
My small uncle who does nothing but suck up to his two-headed wife.
Nice.
They even said that my small uncle is living in a mansionatte(Read: 2 storey HDB flat), so there would definitely be a place for us to stay.
I mean come on ! Are you STUPID or STUPID???
If we could live there, would we be seeking YOUR assistance in this matter?
Bloody fcuked up screwed up people.
I am miffed,so miffed by how we poor people are being treated.
Yes,we are needy but not useless.
We do know tt my mum's younger brother has a BIG HUGE FAT house but so what??
He is under his wife's sickening manipulations.
He brought my late grandpa's tablet back to his home saying that me,Grandma and Mum could visit him anytime over at his place.
And weeks later when Grandma wants to do so,he says he is too busy and gets pissed at her and shove her away to go to Bright Hill to pay her respects instead.
He bloody hell stole like thousands from my Grandparents to chase after an Indonesian woman in Thailand!
Grandma was so worried that she travelled to Thailand ALL ALONE to look for me.
And see how ungrateful he is now?
He said he does not want my grandma as his Mum anymore and asked her to leave him alone.
He won't give her a single cent anymore and would never think of ways to clear her debts for her.
BECAUSE he is busy with his marriage preparations.He is smitten with that 2 headed snake of a wife.
Why do I say this?
Because I have seen her true colours.
You will know why if you've been there at my Grandpa's funeral.
I wonder why Mediacorp hadn't recruited her yet.
Whatever.
I can't believe I am crying writing all this shit and I myself don't even know why too.
I guess I have no one to talk to or no one who could give me any advice.
I am the one who chose to isolate myself from others because I do not want to burden other people with my problems when they have already have much frustrations on their own.
I wish I could write more.
I have so much to rant.
But I am too emotional now and if I write everything here, who would wanna read my published book in the future?
I need to sleep away the tears,like NOW.
Does PMS always make people feel shitty abt themselves??
Why can't PMS be like happy mood swings like u swing all yr sorrows into happiness?
I've been growing stronger, in some sort of ways.
I know who I can rely on, and who I can't. I am independent enough to know what I have to do.
But damn this hand-to-mouth life that I am leading.
Is this what I want??
Definitely not.
I am miserably poor and I have no other choice. I ain't showing any contempt for my job.
I am just yearning for nicer grass patches.
You see, life is really so darn short.
Seconds,days,months,hours passes crazily quickly and we don't even get a chance to sit down and reflect.
Life passes tt fast and yet I don't have a chance to enjoy every minute of it.
Not at all when I am miserably trying so hard to feed myself,screwing my brain juices out to think of ways to help with Grandma's loanshark debts.
I think it is pathetic how help is given to us needy Singaporeans.
The people in charge of helping us with housing and such are not doing much at all.
My mum and me has no roof over our heads.
We seek the higher authority's help.
They wrote my mum a letter telling her to buy from the market.
If we have the money, we wouldn't even seek your help, D-U-H.
We can only afford the tiles of a bathroom floor I guess? Or maybe even lesser than that.
Fine, we seek your help again.
My mum did the queuing and all the other hassle just to get a chance to meet the person in charge over at the EAST region.
Well, he was emotionless while my mum blabbered our pathetic story to him.
He didn't even pity us.
Filthy rich important people do not really care about penniless people like us.
They wouldn't even remember our faces even after we walked pass them 10 times.
Shitty.
And so, we sulk and wait for the letter from him again hoping that he would give us some good news.
Actually,we went to the EAST region first, than my mum was pissed so she went to the NORTH-EAST region to seek someone else who was of higher authority than the fella at the EAST side.
BUT,the EAST guy was unhappy and his people called us up to proceed to the EAST side agn.
That is why we went for the second time what!
Anyway,the letter came...
And we were told that since my mum could not afford to buy from the market or rent,and my uncle was going to throw my mum out of his house soon,they indicated that my mum has another sibling.
Her younger brother.
My small uncle who does nothing but suck up to his two-headed wife.
Nice.
They even said that my small uncle is living in a mansionatte(Read: 2 storey HDB flat), so there would definitely be a place for us to stay.
I mean come on ! Are you STUPID or STUPID???
If we could live there, would we be seeking YOUR assistance in this matter?
Bloody fcuked up screwed up people.
I am miffed,so miffed by how we poor people are being treated.
Yes,we are needy but not useless.
We do know tt my mum's younger brother has a BIG HUGE FAT house but so what??
He is under his wife's sickening manipulations.
He brought my late grandpa's tablet back to his home saying that me,Grandma and Mum could visit him anytime over at his place.
And weeks later when Grandma wants to do so,he says he is too busy and gets pissed at her and shove her away to go to Bright Hill to pay her respects instead.
He bloody hell stole like thousands from my Grandparents to chase after an Indonesian woman in Thailand!
Grandma was so worried that she travelled to Thailand ALL ALONE to look for me.
And see how ungrateful he is now?
He said he does not want my grandma as his Mum anymore and asked her to leave him alone.
He won't give her a single cent anymore and would never think of ways to clear her debts for her.
BECAUSE he is busy with his marriage preparations.He is smitten with that 2 headed snake of a wife.
Why do I say this?
Because I have seen her true colours.
You will know why if you've been there at my Grandpa's funeral.
I wonder why Mediacorp hadn't recruited her yet.
Whatever.
I can't believe I am crying writing all this shit and I myself don't even know why too.
I guess I have no one to talk to or no one who could give me any advice.
I am the one who chose to isolate myself from others because I do not want to burden other people with my problems when they have already have much frustrations on their own.
I wish I could write more.
I have so much to rant.
But I am too emotional now and if I write everything here, who would wanna read my published book in the future?
I need to sleep away the tears,like NOW.
