I need to rant now,like seriously !
I have to admit.
O levels is in a few daysssssss time.
& yet I am not studying. I mean NOT !!
I am very angry at the moment.
I have been trying to bottle everything up but it is rly biting into me.
My 19years of life has been filled w numerous trails and tribulations all the way.
& It never ends.
I know that God wants to strengthen me for greater things ahead & I know His grace is enough for me to rely on.
But I am only human,I still need to rant !!!
After all that I have been through,I think that I can write a book.
Really,but seriously,would anyone wanna read abt my life?
I have always aspired to be an author.
My all-time ambition.
& when people ask me what is the first book I am going to write about,
I told them I wanna write about my LIFE.
Would anyone wanna read abt my life ?
O levels is indeed stressful.
And I have so much on my mind that it is rly pushing me over the edge.
I don't know why my Grandma & Mum is such compulsive gamblers.
That very fact already saddens me ALOT.
Why can't we live in simplicity ?
I always kept quiet whenever you all asked me for money.
I willingly gave you all my hard-earned money to pay your debts.
But over and over again.
The same thing happens.
4 times Grandma! This is the 4th time you're in such debts.
And they are not small amounts.
The 1st time,20 years ago,my mum cleared your debt for you.
2nd time,Grandpa cleared it for you.
3rd time,Grandpa passed away & the money from the funeral was used to clear your debts.
Your children even forked out money themselves.
BUT YOU NEVER LEARN.NEVER.
Your stubborn character is overboard.You feel that everyone owes you a living.
You should change your ways! Now that Grandpa is no longer here to help you !
For you,I have to forsake my studies & stay home to protect cousin from any harm.
He is only Primary 4.
With the loan-sharks turning up everyday looking for you while you are somewhere ignoring our calls,don't you worry for your own grandchildren? At all ?
Last night,black coffee was poured on our house door.
The loan-shark runner even followed me & cousin from behind after we had our dinner.
It is not scary to you because you are not home & you are used to all this.
Tonight,they might come agn.
Am i going to stay home to protect my cousin & clean coffee stains every night ?
I got so pressurized by all this that I cannot even study properly.
I cannot go for prayer meetings because no one is home to take care of my cousin.
I am stuck here in an non-conducive place where I cannot study.
I pitied you & borrowed you money over & over again.
But what do you take me for?
Since I was 14 I earn my own allowance &paid every single thing by myself.
From my phone bills to my transport fees. I buy every single thing using my own money.
But why don't you & Mum stop hurting me & causing me so much pain ?
I am disappointed with both of you. You all never learn.
I love you so much that I used to sacrifice all my money for you in the past when you resorted to borrowing from loan-sharks because you had to feed us 3 kids & that jerk was not doing his part as your husband.
I did not blame you at all.
I did not blame you that you took away all my savings.
I dreamed of going to university. But I cannot afford to,
Everytime you do this to me,I have the urge to quit school & work.
Just to give you a better life.
Several times,you lied to me.
Asking me to transfer money to your friend cos your friend needed money for her dad's operation.
In the end,it was transferred to pay the loan-sharks.
Than,one fine day.You came & told me that..you've cleared all your debts and you would lead a fresh life,not like your mom,my grandma.
BUT that night,out of your drunken stupor,you called me & cried.
Proclaiming that you was not a good mum.
You said suicidal stuffs that me worried as hell & made me cry helplessly.
So,you lied again. Your debts were never cleared.
And you still can admit to James that it is because of your compulsive gambling & addiction to 4D & TOTO!
As a mother,you show no self-restraint when buying lottery.
You're not rich. We are poor,rly poor ppl.
And yet you are not sensible enough. If it is so easy to strike lottery,than why aren't there millionaires walking n the streets everywhere?
You was so scared that I would not forgive you.
Than why do all this in the first place ?
James advised you to QUIT betting,smoke LESS & just work hard to pay off yr debts.
And what did you tell him ? You told him it's hard -.-
Do you have the determination at all ?????
Have you ever thought of your 3 kids?
You work 2 jobs and yet you are always broke because of your debts.
Neither me nor your 2 sons take money from you.
You don't have to pay for anything except your phone bills.
I am even paying for the utilities bill over here @ uncle's house.
Why?! Because you & Grandma don't have any money to pay.
You spend it all on lottery,you worship lottery.
Than what am I to you?
Julian & Russel are your sons. But do you even care for them?
They once yearned for you every single day,calling you telling you they missed you.
But now that's no loner happening. You all are becoming estranged because you never bother to care about them at all.
You can call your boyfriend every single day & utter disgusting sweet nothing s w him.
But you have no time to call your sons ?
I am the one bringing your sons out to enjoy,I am the one buying your sons what they need & what they want.I am the one giving your sons money.
And you know what,they are not even my blood-related brothers.
They are my step brothers.
But I love them like my own.
I can do this,but you just couldn't care less.
From loving mother & daughter to right now.
We are near to being estranged.
All because of your actions.
You've hurt me real deep. So deep tht I no longer know how to cry.
What makes me even more disgusted is the fact that every single day,you call me on the phone,complaining & scolding vulgarities about being very pissed off with your mom-my grandma,about her loan-sharks debts but yet you yourself is stuck in this cycle too.Am i suppose to laugh & agree w you & entertain you? Cos if I do,I am indirectly cursing you too.
One of you is a 42 year old woman,one a 60+ yr old woman.
And yet,I am just a 19year old girl.
And I am much more sensible than you both.
I learned my mistake when I went into Girls Home 3years ago.
& I changed because I did not want to hurt my family members.
But you both will never think this way.
Why do I call myself a Wonder-woman ?
Because there is so much more about me that people don't know about.
P.S : Readers of my blog,I do not hate my kins. Neither am I being un-fillial or rude.
I am just ranting my own thoughts on my personal space.