"I've overcome neglect and deprivation, abandonment and abuse."
Today's post is somewhat or rather very emotional and brutally honest so if you are feeling good today, skip this and have a good day ahead!
If you are a reader of Jolene's Story, you would know of my past and what had went on between my parents and me. HE left and never returned for me although he did mentioned that he would fight for my custody. HE re-married and have three kids of his own now and HIS wife doesn't allow him to come and see me. He says he has his own hardship, pain and agony and it is not his intention to avoid me. I have given up on wanting to see HIM again, I never thought that we will ever be reunited ever again because his wife is insecure to allow HIM to see his blood daughter. I am numb towards his indifference although I have heard that he secretly keeps my photos and looks at it. Does HE really fear his wife that much? Even if HE is not allowed to see me, why can't HE text me or contact me via any means of social media? I do not wish to fathom about this idea anymore.
Maybe we will meet in our next life, Dad.
What about HER? Although she had me in her for 9 months and she took care of me when I was younger... Could that ever cover up all the hurt and the pain that she had put me through? The pain she had when she was giving birth to me, I cannot feel it but I am feeling a million times worse than that. Physical pain can be measured but not my emotional agony.
I was given birth and put into the care of my nanny and grandparents almost immediately. SHE always talked about how big $500 was in the past for my nanny's fees and SHE always emphasized the crucial amount. Learning to feed myself, walk and talk at the age of 1 was indeed a talent and I learned them all without HER. SHE did not taught me those. My nanny did, my grandparents did. SHE had to work hard at pubs and lounges to earn money and I understood. At a tender age of 1, I never complained and I never grumbled. I put myself in her shoes and I understood that she had to make a living and to fend for me. I never did put any blame on her before.
Fast forward to when I was 6. I was done with kindergarten and it was time to start a new life in Primary School. Life was a far stretch for me indeed and like any other kid, it was a brand new start for me. SHE fell in love, SHE married and SHE made me move in with THE MONSTER. SHE loved him a lot and bore him 2 sons. Before the existence of the 2 sons, I was his punching bag and his sexual toy. Everything I did was wrong, even if I was only climbing up a chair. Every action resulted in the caning on my flesh and scoldings to my ears. There was never a day I was "Smart and Clever Jolene." I was always "stupid, dumb and naughty." SHE was always busy, with the housework, with the 2 sons and with satisfying THE MONSTER's sexual needs. I witnessed their acts before and they were never embarrassed by it.
People think that physical abuse by step-parents were common. I thought so too. If SHE could be happy with THE MONSTER and in turn I was to be brutally beaten everyday, I was fine to live with it. The sexual abuse started when she pregnant with the second son. Isn't it obvious that she was not in the state to satisfy his sexual needs and I had to take her place? I wasn't raped, is that a comfort? I was sexually abused and molested, although they probably meant the same thing. This abuse will haunt me forever and ever. Many times, I wanted to speak up and to tell her but THE MONSTER warned me so many times. He said that I was to keep silent or SHE will be harmed. I love her so I have to protect her, even though I was only 11. Indeed, she portrayed me a liar when I finally spoke up during my rebellious days in my teens.
I will always remember this words that came out from her mouth.
Grandpa, when he was still alive, had to convince her that I was being truthful. I didn't see the need to have to CONVINCE my blood mother to believe me. I wanted justice, I wanted the sexual predator to be punished and put to jail. SHE begged and SHE cried. SHE told me to think of the brothers. SHE said that if THE MONSTER was jailed, they would be abandoned and alone. ABANDONED? ALONE? I knew these feelings so well and the impact they had on me was overwhelming. I was always alone, in their "family" and I was always abandoned. They slept together all the time and I was always in an empty room with a thin piece of mattress that never felt like one. SHE said that since she divorced with THE MONSTER, they already had to live without a mother so if he was put behind bars, they would have to live without a father too.
I am not trying to say that I am noble. Neither am I saying that I sacrifice a lot for the brothers. I put the pain aside to give the brothers a better life. One of them appreciates but he is still too young to comprehend everything. The other one is nonchalant and he doesn't believe his father is how I paint him out to be. Humans should not die with regrets, they should always fulfill everything they want to do in life. The biggest regret in my life is witnessing the sexual predator NOT BEING imprisoned and punished for what he has done to me. The nightmare and the agony, no matter how I try my best to hide them... will always be here within me. He is living well, scot-free and still never changed. He has never ADMITTED his wrongdoings or bad deeds.
Moving on from that episode, I thought that life would be so much better. Though he was not imprisoned, at least I need not stay under the same roof with him any longer. I thought I was FREE from pain and sufferings. SHE moved on and met other men. So many other men. The hurt and separation from THE MONSTER did not push HER away from HER love to the male species. SHE was determined to find her way back into love. SHE got attached to different men, one was even married. HER marriage was ruined by a third party and SHE felt no shame being one, reason being he no longer loved his wife? The irony. I was always made to "sit in a corner" (not literally) while SHE busied herself with her love life. I was 15 when I stopped relying on HER.
I worked hard to fend for myself but I could never have any savings. My earnings were always given to loan-sharks and other debtors. I always shouldered HER debts and Grandma's debts. They were my family so I felt that I had to do it for them. SHE was never honest with me over HER debts. SHE always said that her friend was in the hospital and needed money for this and that. WHO was the liar now?
Still, I paid and paid and paid. I complained of course but I still paid. Everyone always says, "After-all, she is still your Mum." That was a reason in the past... Now? It was an EXCUSE.
I was not good enough to enter a polytechnic with my O'level results and I was only eligible for ITE. Many people thought that I was stuck-up and refused to go for further education in ITE. I lied that it will take me a long time and it was a waste of time. I lied. I wanted so much to continue my teenage years studying but because of the amount of debts, I did not do so. I stepped into the corporate world, working so hard for HER. 2012, SHE cohabited with a drunkard who did no harm to me but it was unsafe for me to stay in a one room flat with him so I was always unhappy and fought hard with HDB for a house of my own. I appealed 8 times to the HDB and finally, we got our rental flat that was signed under HER name. SHE left the drunkard. Many a times, I wrote HER letters to make HER understand my pain of always paying HER debts and make HER realize that buying SO MUCH lottery is harmful. SHE always appeared to understand and always acted as if SHE will change.
Behind my back, SHE borrowed from my boyfriend's Mum and my godmother. I knew my godmother in my first job and she really treated me as if I was her own child. I never ever felt those love from my blood mother. I had to pay the money that she owed my boyfriend's mum because she never seemed to bother paying up.. even though it was quite a small amount. I tried many ways to return the amount she owed to my godmother as well but my godmother just refused to accept it. After leaving the drunkard, SHE swore that SHE would never rely on men anymore as most of them forsaken HER and treated HER bad. SHE swore to live for herself. How happy I was, hearing those words from HER. Before our rental flat was given to us, we stayed temporarily at my best friend's place. Her family allowed us to put up with them for a small fee and I was eternally grateful to them. The new rental flat came and SHE was jobless with no money to pay for anything. I was jobless at that time as well but I worked adhoc jobs, finding money to buy furniture for the house and my friends all sponsored me different items. She did not have to pay for anything. I thought that life was renewed after Jolene's Story was published and I had gotten a scholarship this year. SHE met another man at her new workplace, he was the manager and SHE fell in love, again.
I never stopped HER from dating. I only wanted HER to not rely so much on him because SHE didn't knew him well. During her lonely days, I was the one who celebrated her birthday , Mother's day and other festivals with her. I celebrated HER birthday with HER this year as well and so did her boyfriend. He gave her a cake, a gift and a card and she proclaimed on Facebook that SHE had never felt any happier in HER life, ever. SHE knew him for less than a month and they got together. He started moving his things over, bit by bit, to my home. He slowly took over. I quarreled with HER a few times because he was at our place and I couldn't go home. SHE had abandoned me, spiritually. He was all SHE could talk about. I gave in and said that if he wanted to stay at our place, inform me beforehand so I can make arrangements. I have to allow a stranger to stay at my place while I find lodging outside. How appropriate? When we sit down for dinner, all SHE could talk about was him and him and him. I wasn't interested but I had to pretend to be. SHE never asked about me, or my work or my school or anything else. SHE kept going on about how well he treated HER, peeling prawns for her and so on and so forth. Our relationship strained and a few times, we quarreled over him. She posted up on Facebook to tell me not to be overboard and to remember that without HER, I would not have today. Seriously?
I was accustomed to the fact that SHE always brought him home and I was to find lodging outside. The rental flat was under HER name, what else could I say? Just last week, my best friend told me something that she had kept a secret for 4 months. YES! 4 months. Best friend said that her mother had borrowed $500 to HER. Yes, to the woman who did not have to pay a cent for the house. SHE borrowed the $500 from my best friend's mother saying that SHE had to pay many stuffs for the new place. What rubbish? Others borrowed her the money on account of me and promised to keep it a secret from me. However, when it was time to repay the debts, SHE ignored my best friend's calls and text messages. She totally ignored them. Even if SHE had no money to return, it was basic courtesy to pick up the call or return a text to inform. She did not. How embarrassed I was, imagine it... when my best friend told me to my face what had happened. They provided us with lodging, they cooked for us and treated us so well but SHE never felt any shame borrowing such a large amount and NOT paying. I paid HER phone bills and insurance fees for HER. All she had to pay was the rental fee, electricity and water bills and some misc bills which all amounted to less than $200.
SHE could even bring HER boyfriend's bed-sheets back to our place to wash for him. All his clothes are hand-washed by HER. How did he survive before he met HER? Absolute rubbish. He stayed in a storeroom in his own place so since my place was a haven for him, would he not want to make it permanent? The debt, $500, was not a small sum but I decided to repay it for her. I could not face my best friend and her family. I had to repay them.
Yesterday, I could not hold in all the anger, hurt and tears anymore. I wrote her a message with everything I had wanted to say. I even told her that I'll repay the $500 and I never even asked for the reason why she borrowed that amount. I told her that she should not trust the guy easily no matter how good he treated HER because SHE knew him less than a month. If he was so good, why was he not fending for HER and giving HER a good life? The message was filled with so much truth and explained all the heartache I felt.
Sadly, SHE did not accepted it and got angry instead.
She replied me : "If you hate me, you can sever ties with me. Don't talk about my boyfriend. He did not do anything wrong. This problem is between you and me. "
There was no gratitude for me for paying off HER debts and SHE felt no remorse. SHE doesn't feel that SHE had done anything wrong. SHE only thinks that I want to spoil HER relationship with her boyfriend.
She had abandoned me, long ago...
Ever since she had called me a liar for "accusing" her ex-husband.. I should have known that I was better off an orphan.
The pain you have made me feel,
The situation, just unreal,
Your supposed to be there for me,
But a mother you’ll never be.
The pain is already numb,
But yet the torture isn’t ..........
Labels: 2013, Abandonment, Emotional, Family, Humanity, Problems