JoleneSnow -Girl who went through hell to finally meet heaven.
What Exactly Happened To Me?
Wednesday, September 11, 2013

I am no Xiaxue, PxdKitty, Speshi or Qiu Qiu but everytime I put up a new post, at least 50 people will read it and I am grateful for the ones who actually bothers. I have never thought of making it big as a local blogger in Singapore but I love writing and also equates to blogging as well.

What exactly happened to me recently? 

If you have bought and read Jolene's Story. you all would know that I grew up a sad child, being sexually abused and looked down upon in the past. 

I am just a very normal girl with a big heart and although at times, it is hard for me to maintain the friendships I have with different people, I always tried my best. I am cynical and I cannot trust easily. I lost many friendships in the past 22 years of my life but I have gained a lot of insights in life. 

At this point in life, only less than 5 people are updated with the ongoings of my life and that includes James as well. I am contented with these few people as I always find it a burden to let too many people know about my problems.

In my previous blog entry, I opened up about having mild depression. I also, have a lung problem which I all along thought was a heart problem since 2008. I refuse to talk about it because I do not see the point of thinking when am I going to die or scaring myself with all sorts of medical theories.

The hype about my published book, Jolene's Story was over in the middle of 2013. Promoting of the book quickly died down but I gained many social media friends who are all very nice to me. 

After that, everything just started going downhill for me. I was saddled with debts that I did not borrow but had to shoulder for someone else. I faced up to it. "Never mind" I consoled myself that things were just going to get better after this episode. 

I hopped between a few jobs and despite being judged as job-hopper, I remained optimistic that I would find a good one to settle down in. I did not choose to be a job-hopper. I just did not want to stay in a job that I was unhappy in. I had a choice so I decided that I wanted to be happy.

Most of you know that I had gotten a scholarship and was supposed to start school in May. However, there were not enough students to start the classes as most students had enough credits to skip the bridging course. I didn't but I did not blame the school because it was my results that was a factor. My programme consultant tried looking for other solutions for me and we ended up in the decision that I would be taking up Diploma in Marketing instead of a Diploma in Mass Communications. School is scheduled to start this month and I really hope that everything goes well/as planned.

At the end of June, an old friend I had known since 2009 contacted and asked me if I would like to try out a job that could earn me a lot of money. Money, such a beautiful but manipulative item that controls us. Let's call my friend KK. KK gave me more information and as he would be doing the job too, I felt assured to join him. I gave up a high paying job for this job because I thought that it would gain me more in the long run. I don't regret my decision but eventually, I learnt a huge lesson.

KK and I tried our best for the job and there were many hiccups. We never gave up and tried really very hard. KK and the boss had some disagreements and I was always caught in the middle of it. I was very sick and tired because I really just wanted to do my job well. The bosses were nice to me at first and I appreciated their kindness. I was very upset when everytime I wanted to work hard to earn more money, I was being asked to settle KK's mess that had nothing to do with work. It was personal issues which I really did not want to be involved in. I was supposed to be a salesperson but I was made to follow the boss to settle her personal feuds with her friends and ended up being entwined in her police case and lawsuits and whatnots. I did not mind that as I know I was suppose to follow my superior's orders. However, all these were taking a toll on me mentally and I was slowly falling into a dark hole. The stress of wanting to work hard, earn more and yet losing so much in the process was pushing me over the edge.

Eventually, KK left giving 24 hour notice. Things got even worse for me because I had to follow up on his workload and I was all alone. Yes, me and KK were the only 2 staff in the company. I tried my best to do what I can because I really did want to earn more money. I had been poor all my life and I want to break free from financial distress, there was no wrong with that right? After KK left, the boss kept telling me that KK was unprofessional and left us a shitload of things to clear and he was irresponsible because he did not do a proper handover. The boss said that she was well known in the corporate world and that she want to make KK's life miserable in his new job. She wanted to blacklist him in the corporate world and make sure he pays for causing us to end up saddled with problems. Hearing all those, I was more than afraid. The first few signs of depression started but I never knew. I grew very fearful and I began to feel a complete sense of helplessness as I was all alone now.

I decided to leave the job too. I was very afraid of the boss and also the mental distress was causing me horrible insomnia, improper diet and loss of weight. I did not realize they were signs of depression. I left with giving 24 hour notice as well and one of the boss said that he wished me the best. I thought that I would regain my happiness since things ended well.

I was wrong.

Just like how the boss was furious with KK, she was furious with me. She started sending me a lot of messages telling me that I had breached the contract because I was supposed to serve 1 month notice. Upon signing the appointment letter, I was told that the notice will only apply to confirmed staff. I was still a probation staff at the point of resignation and like KK, I gave 24 hours notice. I did not want to agitate the boss further so I refuse to reply her messages or pick up her calls because I was really really fearful of her. It was the same fear that I had for my stepfather who sexually, physically and mentally tormented me. I did not want to pick a fight with her and make things worse than it already was. I spoke to the other boss instead and told him a lot of heart felt feelings that I had been going through for example, my fear, my depression, my lung problems.. He was the one who wished me all the best and I thought that he will understand. He told me that he will talk to the angry boss and told me not to worry.

Unfortunately for me, she refused to let go. Even the other boss had no more say when I asked him again for help. All he could say to me was that she has the biggest say in the company and there was nothing he could do. I was left even more helpless. At this point of time, I had come into terms with my depression and I know that I have to stop it and move on. I let down all barriers and sent her a message that I was very apologetic if I have offended her in so many ways because she felt that I had disrespected her and had been very unprofessional. I apologized many times, saying sorry over and over again. I just wanted the episode to end. She was relentless, telling me that she wanted to get even with me no matter what. I was at the losing end because I did sign the contract and it did state about the 1 month notice. I decided not to reply her anymore since she did not have any intention to stop mentally torturing me. I opened up to her about my depression as well, not because I wanted her to pity me but I really wanted to address the issue. 

I decided to just wait and see how things go. 

She called up KK several times but he ignored her calls. Determined, she called up his wife and spoke to KK about me. She told him that she wanted a face-to-face apology from me and then she will let the case rest. Otherwise, she wants to teach me a lesson by demanding me to pay back 1 month of salary-in-lieu. I was dumbfounded for words.

I did not start this blog entry with the intention to defame my ex-employers or to blow up this matter. I just wanted to unbottle everything that I have kept inside so that I can cure my own depression. I do not blame anyone for all that had happened. What can I say, I made the wrong choices... I want to pen down this episode so that in the future when I look back, I will remember what I had went through to make me even stronger and more determined to succeed in life. 

I really want this depressed period to be over. Jolene is supposed to be very very strong. Jolene is a warrior who wrote a book to help other wayward youths. Jolene is.......

Throughout this whole episode, I felt so numb that it was so hard to even cry. I wanted to cry because crying will definitely feel better. But, I was immune. It was as if my life was SET and already tuned this way, that things will never be good for me for long. I will always be suffering whether it was physically or mentally. 

I just want to be happy. Is that so hard?

Why do people feel the need to make my life miserable all the time? Was I a very evil woman in my past life? 

Writing all these out is indeed a reliever although crying would have been a better option but at least, writing always helps. 

If you know in any way that you could help me, feel free to email me/tweet me or PM on Facebook.

I hope that you guys could see me posting happier posts and may all these dark days be over really really soon. 

Nevertheless, I am still grateful for the few people that have been advising me and stood by me through such a dull period of my life.

I need a rainbow. I need my colorful life back.

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Behind the glamour.

Who says a wayward kid will stay wayward forever? ™
Better Known as SNOW
I'm an Author, Entrepreneur and Glutton all in ONE!
12th October 1990, I'm a libran and lovin it!
I'm the author of (Jolene's Story), my first published memoir, a true life story under Marshall Cavendish!

-Wee Hwee Haw

Easily triggered emotionally and temperamentally. The perfect example of a girl who went through hell to finally meet heaven.

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Jolene's Story