JoleneSnow -Girl who went through hell to finally meet heaven.
XXX
Saturday, June 07, 2014

I have had such a bad week that I don't even know where to start.

This blog is no longer a platform for me to rant my feelings anymore ever since all the hatred and insults that were thrown on me regarding the menses leave post.

I know that words don't harm but that does not mean they don't hurt. 

I hurt, I feel and I am only human. I just don't show.

I have been struggling so much with putting the interest of others above me and I actually have done that all my life.

Many people take me for granted and many people may have unconsciously relied too much on me in their lives and showed zero signs of appreciation and I bear with everything all alone.

I really am too sick & tired of pleasing everyone.

I have to please people in real life and I also have to please people online as well. 
I cannot post an ad without someone hating saying that my blog has become a commercialized platform? 

Do you all know I help companies write advertorials without getting paid just because I really want to help them gain a bigger market?

Do you all know that I have so much to say everytime to make myself better but I always have to think of other's feelings before mine?

Do you all think it is easy being me?

Everytime my name pops up in your mind- whoever you are, is it because you need or want something? Or is it because you truly care about me and want to know my well-being?

Is it because you got a summon ticket and you need me to write an appeal? Is it because you want to have a gathering and you want me to think of where to go and what to eat? Is it because you know that I will go all the way out to help someone so you come looking for me? Is it because you know that I know a wide network of people so you come looking for me to introduce to you a job or find you an office space/a blogshop/help you sell something away? Is it because you know that I know so much so you come looking for me for a bit of my knowledge? Is it because you are so used to me being the planner that when the name Jolene comes into your mind, I am confirmed the planner of any event? Is it because you know that my weakness is that I do not know how to reject someone so you come looking for me? Is it because you know that I have connections with publishers so you want me to help you promote your story to get published too? Is it because you know that I know all the trade secrets in the industries that I worked in previously so you come looking for me to weasel you out of a situation? Is it because you know that I will always stand up for my friends and fight for them even up to the point that I get hated forever so you come looking for me? Is it because you all know that I am always ready to give you advice even though I know you will never listen to it in the end so you come looking for me? 

You all can walk in and out of my life anytime you all like. And I am always at the losing end.

But for me, I always have the last cry while you all have the last laugh. I put others before myself all the time and I choose to be selfless than to be selfish.

I know that people always make use of each other and that is the sad face of life. 

I have a lot of enemies and I have had conflicts and fights with a lot of people in the past. And the reason that I fought with these people was because they bullied my friends or my boyfriend and I stood up for them. But, I became the hated. I became the fierce bitch that everyone hated. 

It's not that my friends and my boyfriend did not know how to protect themselves. They do but I just cannot accept seeing them being mistreated. 

I was a fiery-tempered girl in the past but I changed because I know that the temper would get me nowhere and that I am far from the days of picking 1-on-1 fights or staredowns with people anymore. I toned down my temper and tried to think the nicest of people every single day. I became more patient but this lead to even more people taking me for granted.

What have I done wrong in my life to always be mistreated like this? 
Is it really wrong to be too nice? My colleague/good buddy at work kept telling me that I was just too nice and that I am stupid and that I care too much about people who probably just don't give an ounce of shit. 

James always told me to stop caring but I am not a robot. I am not built to be switched off by a push of a button. I just thought that if everyone could be nicer to each other and make this place a better place. Why not?

I allowed people to misunderstand me all the time.

Nobody ever has a good impression of me.

In secondary school, I was a freak because I was the girl from girls home and I never smiled and no one dared to talk to me at all. Just ask my friends- Hui Qi and June. They will tell you how they feel when they first saw me. Just because I don't smile doesn't mean I am not friendly or that I am fierce... I just have a default face. And I thank the few people who actually saw through that cold exterior and made the effort to know me better and be my friend. That would be the very few people that understands me the most at this point of my life. 

I feel so sad sometimes, especially like now but I don't even dare to cry at home because I don't want my mum to worry about me. I don't even dare to show the slightest signs of weakness at times and I always don't open up when people ask if I am okay just because I feel that everyone has problems of their own and I don't want to be burden no one. I look really unapproachable all the time but once someone starts to know me, I am as talkative as ever.  

I don't really feel better after writing this post but fuck it, what has been written shall be published just because I want to. God, I even feel bad for writing this. But I feel bad all the time. Maybe I am a little crazy. I feel bad for taxi uncles when I cancel my cab bookings even though the bookings take like at least 30 minutes to arrive.

Seriously, why am I born to care more than others? Am I really that stupid?

Ok, goodbye. 





Behind the glamour.

JoleneSnow♥
Who says a wayward kid will stay wayward forever? ™
Better Known as SNOW
I'm an Author, Entrepreneur and Glutton all in ONE!
12th October 1990, I'm a libran and lovin it!
I'm the author of (Jolene's Story), my first published memoir, a true life story under Marshall Cavendish!



-Wee Hwee Haw

Easily triggered emotionally and temperamentally. The perfect example of a girl who went through hell to finally meet heaven.


For adverts/reviews/sponsorship or anything else, feel free to contact me at (jolenesnow90@gmail.com) !


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