This was the face of a girl who had planned her suicide a week before she flew for her first volunteer trip. I was selfish but I dare not die in Singapore. If I made that fateful decision to do so in another country, that was because I did not need to do it in a place where I know all my loved ones are around. Sorry C and SY! Sorry that you had to know it this way. When we checked into the hotel, the first thing I did was to say that I need to take a walk and I left them to settle down... I walked and walked and walked the streets outside the hotel not knowing what to do. I needed to find a way to die and I wanted it to be quick. I walked and walked and hyperventilated and cried and I called the person who sent me off at the airport. I forgot how the conversation was but I kept telling him that I wanted to die and he kept calming me down and I just told him that I want to disappear and I do not wish to see anyone anymore. No one knew of this but I got talked out of my suicide plan and I made it through the rest of my volunteer trip.
Well, the lowest kind of girl on the pyramid came back stronger indeed. However, I bear no hatred in my heart and writing this all out is to let go of it all. I want all these grudges to go away and I do not want to remember them anymore. Out of sight, out of mind.
Goodbye to all the pain & grudges and hurt in 2016. I hope that I will never plunge myself into depression again. I hope that I never had to give up on anything precious ever again because I gave up something super precious in 2016 and it was the biggest regret in my life. I hope that I will be done with all the self-blame and all the trauma of thinking of myself as a burden. Good riddance to all the negative vibes.
2017 was rocky but it was fine because I kept a low profile and I held my head high despite the fact that I struggled between giving up on my job to run away from all the incessant voices in my head telling me that everyone hates me and is talking shit about me but I held on nevertheless.
May 2018 be a year that I will truly and really love myself first. The rest will fall into place, I hope.