Grudges - 怨气。
Friday, December 29, 2017
Yes. Grudges.
This is what I would want to let go of as 2017 is coming to an end. These grudges accumulated in 2016 and because I was in no mood to actually blog a single thing that year till now, I am prepared to list out all the bitterness now to finally release them and make sure they disappear for good. The accumulation of them has made me a very cynical and bitter person and I never used to be like that.
I love people and I loved life. I was always the one who'd be 100% willing to do anything for anyone and I was always putting others first but I was always treated like trash in the end. Worse than trash at times.
I keep receipts, I bear grudges. And now I shall thrash it all out here so that I can be free from resentment in the year to come.
For all the ones who took my separation with Jxxxx in 2016 as a chance to take a dig at me or use it to emotionally stab me with your "innocent" comments, I would like to applaud you because I struggled with depression and I struggled with the feeling of ending my life, every single day. I was at the roof of carparks alone almost every night and crying my eyes out and smoking and just wanting to die. I was there for you all not only as someone's girlfriend but I was there for you all as a true friend and always being the first to plan and first to help and first to go the extra mile but I saw all of your true colors at the end. I remember every single one of you who did nothing and KNEW nothing but had the MOST to say.
LOOK AT WHAT YOU ALL MADE ME DO. Here is the shoe, feel free to wear it.
I will always remember the one that manipulated my friendship for the sake of his own love life. I will always remember that you asked me for advice after your gf cheated on you and got pregnant with another man but you used me to trigger her and told her that I was the one who got close to you and in turn saying I was a slut going around breaking people's relationship. You went around telling people I got close to you and ruining my reputation because you could not get me/ you could not get what you wanted. I will remember you using my selfie as your Skype display photo and everyone coming to ask me what the hell happened between us when the fact was that you was the one who kept coming to look for me? If I was ruining your rship/life... shouldn't I be the one that is using your photos everywhere on my social media platform? Are you actually mentally well? You misused our friendship and you also misused those who gave you a job when you had none. Never bite the hand that feeds you and lucky that you are no longer in my life because I hate ungrateful people. I detest you.
But look at you now? Your ex is happily married with more kids and I am also happier now.
I will remember all of you who went around slandering me and I will also remember all of you who actually listened to those rumors and believed them without asking me for my side of the story. I will remember all of you who left me the second that drama unfolded. People believed those whom they knew for months rather than the one that they have known for years but this is life and I accept that. They will hear what they wish to hear and judge however tf they want because they feel that they are the most righteous.
Thank you for unfriending me, I deserve better.
Thank you for judging me, I deserve better.
If you kindly remember when you said "I think Jolene broke them up and his ex don't deserve this"...... Well, walls have ears.
I am not perfect and I made mistakes in my 8 years with Jxxxx and I faced them but I have never ever ruined someone else's relationship or engagement even. If I had this ability, I would rather be ruining some rich ass motherfucker's rship/wedding/engagement rather than someone from the same workplace. I am not that stupid and neither am I Angelababy. If I had wanted to ruin someone's relationship/engagement, I would have done it way earlier and not till the period where they were going to wed, I am no superhero yo. If I was someone like that, I wouldn't have invested 8 years of my youth for Jxxxx.
沉得住气，弯得下腰，抬得起头。
我做过的事，我会承认。我没做过，你要怎样讲就随你的烂嘴巴吧。
我没有处理好我，J 和 B 的感情事是我的错，可是我没拆散人家的婚姻/感情.
This particular and "innocent" comment also made me ruin my Christmas in 2016 and made me cried the whole night away. I never did any harm to you before in my life and I just wanted to say that I gave my all in the past to his friends and his family whom almost all of his friends, I still stalk all their social media to actually know their well-being and seeing everyone getting married and settling down and being happy makes me happy. However, that night when I read this comment - it made me realize that I was nothing to all of you. I can accept being criticized and being talked behind my back cos after all I am not your direct friend and of course everyone whom I considered a friend before will just stop being friends with me because I am no longer his partner but I truly cherished each and everyone of you all in the past and if you all have nothing nice to say, I find it better not to say it anything or at least not say it openly on a platform like Facebook where you KNEW that I would read. I knew you wrote it on purpose and I will remember that. Thank you!
I am not listing all these out to stir shit again or to unfold any drama again because I am a petty little bitch but because all these bitterness have been stuck in me for so long that it is affecting my mental health.
I am letting it all out in the best way I can and which is through my writings. I missed writing and I realized that writing is really the only way to let it all out. I don't want to seek a psychiatrist as I don't want to be controlled by drugs and I want to get well from my own willpower.
29th July 2016 - First day in Cambodia and it was for my first mission trip but unbeknown to C & SY who were on the trip with me... I wanted to die there. I had planned my suicide and I had wanted to just get lost there where no one knew me. I had told myself that it was a one-way ticket and that I never wanted to come back to Singapore to face all these people and all these comments and all these whisperings in my head. I hear voices in my head even up till now. Do you know how terrible that feels?
I texted the only one person that I knew who had not passed his judgement on me despite all these drama and told him that I appreciate him being the only one that actually fought for me as a friend. It was 4am and I was leaving for my flight and he appeared at the airport and told me not to give up and told me that this trip might be a life-changing event for me and that I might feel better after seeing those kids in Cambodia. Still, I was adamant.
I love people and I loved life. I was always the one who'd be 100% willing to do anything for anyone and I was always putting others first but I was always treated like trash in the end. Worse than trash at times.
I keep receipts, I bear grudges. And now I shall thrash it all out here so that I can be free from resentment in the year to come.
For all the ones who took my separation with Jxxxx in 2016 as a chance to take a dig at me or use it to emotionally stab me with your "innocent" comments, I would like to applaud you because I struggled with depression and I struggled with the feeling of ending my life, every single day. I was at the roof of carparks alone almost every night and crying my eyes out and smoking and just wanting to die. I was there for you all not only as someone's girlfriend but I was there for you all as a true friend and always being the first to plan and first to help and first to go the extra mile but I saw all of your true colors at the end. I remember every single one of you who did nothing and KNEW nothing but had the MOST to say.
LOOK AT WHAT YOU ALL MADE ME DO. Here is the shoe, feel free to wear it.
I will always remember the one that manipulated my friendship for the sake of his own love life. I will always remember that you asked me for advice after your gf cheated on you and got pregnant with another man but you used me to trigger her and told her that I was the one who got close to you and in turn saying I was a slut going around breaking people's relationship. You went around telling people I got close to you and ruining my reputation because you could not get me/ you could not get what you wanted. I will remember you using my selfie as your Skype display photo and everyone coming to ask me what the hell happened between us when the fact was that you was the one who kept coming to look for me? If I was ruining your rship/life... shouldn't I be the one that is using your photos everywhere on my social media platform? Are you actually mentally well? You misused our friendship and you also misused those who gave you a job when you had none. Never bite the hand that feeds you and lucky that you are no longer in my life because I hate ungrateful people. I detest you.
But look at you now? Your ex is happily married with more kids and I am also happier now.
I will remember all of you who went around slandering me and I will also remember all of you who actually listened to those rumors and believed them without asking me for my side of the story. I will remember all of you who left me the second that drama unfolded. People believed those whom they knew for months rather than the one that they have known for years but this is life and I accept that. They will hear what they wish to hear and judge however tf they want because they feel that they are the most righteous.
Thank you for unfriending me, I deserve better.
Thank you for judging me, I deserve better.
If you kindly remember when you said "I think Jolene broke them up and his ex don't deserve this"...... Well, walls have ears.
I am not perfect and I made mistakes in my 8 years with Jxxxx and I faced them but I have never ever ruined someone else's relationship or engagement even. If I had this ability, I would rather be ruining some rich ass motherfucker's rship/wedding/engagement rather than someone from the same workplace. I am not that stupid and neither am I Angelababy. If I had wanted to ruin someone's relationship/engagement, I would have done it way earlier and not till the period where they were going to wed, I am no superhero yo. If I was someone like that, I wouldn't have invested 8 years of my youth for Jxxxx.
沉得住气，弯得下腰，抬得起头。
我做过的事，我会承认。我没做过，你要怎样讲就随你的烂嘴巴吧。
我没有处理好我，J 和 B 的感情事是我的错，可是我没拆散人家的婚姻/感情.
"12 years I've known him and never once before have I ever seen him smile so happily and blissfully until this photo."
This particular and "innocent" comment also made me ruin my Christmas in 2016 and made me cried the whole night away. I never did any harm to you before in my life and I just wanted to say that I gave my all in the past to his friends and his family whom almost all of his friends, I still stalk all their social media to actually know their well-being and seeing everyone getting married and settling down and being happy makes me happy. However, that night when I read this comment - it made me realize that I was nothing to all of you. I can accept being criticized and being talked behind my back cos after all I am not your direct friend and of course everyone whom I considered a friend before will just stop being friends with me because I am no longer his partner but I truly cherished each and everyone of you all in the past and if you all have nothing nice to say, I find it better not to say it anything or at least not say it openly on a platform like Facebook where you KNEW that I would read. I knew you wrote it on purpose and I will remember that. Thank you!
I am not listing all these out to stir shit again or to unfold any drama again because I am a petty little bitch but because all these bitterness have been stuck in me for so long that it is affecting my mental health.
I am letting it all out in the best way I can and which is through my writings. I missed writing and I realized that writing is really the only way to let it all out. I don't want to seek a psychiatrist as I don't want to be controlled by drugs and I want to get well from my own willpower.
29th July 2016 - First day in Cambodia and it was for my first mission trip but unbeknown to C & SY who were on the trip with me... I wanted to die there. I had planned my suicide and I had wanted to just get lost there where no one knew me. I had told myself that it was a one-way ticket and that I never wanted to come back to Singapore to face all these people and all these comments and all these whisperings in my head. I hear voices in my head even up till now. Do you know how terrible that feels?
I texted the only one person that I knew who had not passed his judgement on me despite all these drama and told him that I appreciate him being the only one that actually fought for me as a friend. It was 4am and I was leaving for my flight and he appeared at the airport and told me not to give up and told me that this trip might be a life-changing event for me and that I might feel better after seeing those kids in Cambodia. Still, I was adamant.
This was the face of a girl who had planned her suicide a week before she flew for her first volunteer trip. I was selfish but I dare not die in Singapore. If I made that fateful decision to do so in another country, that was because I did not need to do it in a place where I know all my loved ones are around. Sorry C and SY! Sorry that you had to know it this way. When we checked into the hotel, the first thing I did was to say that I need to take a walk and I left them to settle down... I walked and walked and walked the streets outside the hotel not knowing what to do. I needed to find a way to die and I wanted it to be quick. I walked and walked and hyperventilated and cried and I called the person who sent me off at the airport. I forgot how the conversation was but I kept telling him that I wanted to die and he kept calming me down and I just told him that I want to disappear and I do not wish to see anyone anymore. No one knew of this but I got talked out of my suicide plan and I made it through the rest of my volunteer trip.
Well, the lowest kind of girl on the pyramid came back stronger indeed. However, I bear no hatred in my heart and writing this all out is to let go of it all. I want all these grudges to go away and I do not want to remember them anymore. Out of sight, out of mind.
Goodbye to all the pain & grudges and hurt in 2016. I hope that I will never plunge myself into depression again. I hope that I never had to give up on anything precious ever again because I gave up something super precious in 2016 and it was the biggest regret in my life. I hope that I will be done with all the self-blame and all the trauma of thinking of myself as a burden. Good riddance to all the negative vibes.
2017 was rocky but it was fine because I kept a low profile and I held my head high despite the fact that I struggled between giving up on my job to run away from all the incessant voices in my head telling me that everyone hates me and is talking shit about me but I held on nevertheless.
May 2018 be a year that I will truly and really love myself first. The rest will fall into place, I hope.
