Depression- I have it and I want to face it. $BlogItemTitle$>
I have drifted far off from my blog from a period of time and now I return here an unhappy soul.
I have been trying my best to be positive and to steer away from feeling the D word but I guess things just happen.
"However, some depressed people don't feel sad at all—they may feel lifeless, empty, and apathetic."
I do feel depressed and I do have the symptoms that were stated. One of the worst symptoms are that I feel totally hopeless, helpless, empty and useless.
I took up a job being tempted at the idea of earning a lot of money but things didn't work out well. I was haunted daily by the superior and being controlled like a robot. I left the job and now it feels as if I am a useless person. I feel so empty.
I am being labelled as a job-hopper and I cannot change that fact. It's not that I want to keep changing jobs but things don't work out for me. Even after leaving the job, I am being hounded every day fearful of my ex superior and also afraid of the fact that she keeps wanting to sue me for any infringements that she comes up with. Enough about that.
All I know is I do have some form of mild depression and it is a good thing that I can address it. One guy friend of mine once told me that he foresee I may drop into depression one day and it is really scary because I can feel myself really being sucked into a pit hole of emptiness.
I laugh, but I don't feel the happiness behind the laughter.
I smile, but I don't feel the joy from smiling.
I talk to my friends and joke with them but I feel a deep sense of emptiness no matter how cheerful I look on the exterior.
My outlook on life is now very bleak. I feel helpless and hopeless. I blame myself for not being able to find a good job, I deem myself useless. I used to have the passion and energy to go for auditions, castings and also meet up with strangers to share about my book and my story.
Now? I don't even feel like meeting anyone at all except for people whom are really close to me. People like my family and my girls. It's as if I only see them even though I am in a room full of people, I disregard everyone without meaning to but I just don't want to speak to them or know them. I don't want to go out and meet strangers at all, I dread them.
I kind of hate myself now. Self-loathing and it's one of the signs of depression. I hate myself and I feel super useless. I feel that I cannot achieve anything.
I have done my own research and what I am going through should be the below:
Dysthymia (recurrent, mild depression)
Dysthmia is a type of chronic “low-grade” depression. More days than not, you feel mildly or moderately depressed, although you may have brief periods of normal mood. The symptoms of dysthymia are not as strong as the symptoms of major depression, but they last a long time (at least two years). These chronic symptoms make it very difficult to live life to the fullest or to remember better times. Some people also experience major depressive episodes on top of dysthymia, a condition known as “double depression.” If you suffer from dysthymia, you may feel like you’ve always been depressed. Or you may think that your continuous low mood is “just the way you are.” However, dysthymia can be treated, even if your symptoms have gone unrecognized or untreated for years.
I myself know that I have been depressed for very long, ever since I was sexually abused in the past but I never seek psychological help. As I grew up, I always tried to heal myself because I had no one to turn to.
Out of the 10 causes below, I was hit with 9 of them.
Causes and risk factors for depression
- Lack of social support
- Recent stressful life experiences
- Family history of depression
- Marital or relationship problems
- Financial strain
- Early childhood trauma or abuse
- Alcohol or drug abuse
- Unemployment or underemployment
- Health problems or chronic pain
Even the strongest will fall one day. I have fallen long ago but I just chose not to admit it.
I have to stop feeling this way and I know the only way I can get out of my rut is to talk about it and to face it.
I feel extremely miserable most of the time but what I portray to others on the outlook, I just refuse to show it.
I hate it the most when I have to trouble others and be a burden to others, that's why I kept quiet all along... but this time, it is time for me to open up. Because I know that if I don't, I will not only lose myself mentally but physically as well.
I am taking my first step out to cure depression and I will not stop until I am out of it. I hope that you all can help me too.
A post from another blogger actually made me wake up and tell myself that I have to face up to this depression.
What she said was so true : "The general misconception people have about depression is that sufferers must ‘look depressed’. If you’re smiling and give a happy vibe, you can’t be suffering from depression, can you? Wrong. I go out, I smile and laugh, but inside I feel nothing."