Starting an update with a sigh is a bad bad thing. It is negative,it is an absolute sign of defeat. Have I been allowing myself to dwell in pessimism?
I feel like such a loser. I do not why. I guess I am just being destructive towards myself. I am 20 this year BUT I have achieved nothing much. I have a PSLE result that is nothing to be proud of. An N level certificate that gotten me so not far. And a pathetic O level certificate which I do not even wish to go collect.I always thought that I was going to be a somebody, cos I don't wanna be a nobody. I want to make it big, to make my late grandpa proud of me. So what if I was an Express kid? It does not make much difference at all. I am in this not so awesome job, earning much lesser than I thought I would be earning at this age. I want to give my mother a good life, I do not want her to be holding 2 jobs. I want to clear my grandmother's loansharks debts. I want to prove to those who've looked down on me. I want to publish my book, I want my book to be a bestseller.Why do I feel like I will never achieve them? I want to stop being a burden towards others,especially James'family. I thought of giving up the job I am holding now cos I feel myself burning out. The stress, the confusion of not being able to reap what I sow. It is so miserable. But.. I tell myself, if I give up now,I would be letting go of the foundation that I built there.I would have allowed the stress to eat into me and I would turn weaker. I want the stress to make me stronger, to make me feel that I am able to find a solution out of every problem. I will hold on to his job for the time being. Hui Qi and Xanthe left, I thought I still had Ferlyn to keep me going, to motivate me. But than I realized, I am left alone.I should rely only on myself. The other day, I had to go for an X-ray.I was alone, I was so scared. Mum had to work, so did everyone else. It was a horrible feeling when the radiologist declined to proceed with the X-ray when there was no parent/guardian to sign the approval form. I felt so lonely, so frustrated- I cried. One of my friend was having her off day on that day and I did actually asked her to accompany me for the X-ray but..sadly, she told me she was going out. I was very sad but I just did not want to mention it. When I say honest comments about feeling alone,in the midst of my friends,people will say I think too much. However, did they think beforehand what caused me to say those words?
I miss the joys of studying.
I wished I was studying now, heading towards holding a diploma in my hand.
I wished my publisher would get back to me.
I wished for so many things.
In the past, my trials and tribulations always seems to end pretty shortly and the good things will always arrive.
This time, they seemed to be lingering around far too long.
Out of my anger,I told my grandma not to call me anymore.
When I told her not to borrow from loan sharks anymore,
She ignored me.
Can somebody tell me what to do with my life?